I know I haven't been posting. The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I don't know what the problem is. I don't understand how I can be all gung ho one day and full of motivation and just let that all slip away the following day.

I think in my mind I'm thinking that it's the holidays and why bother trying to lose weight right now? But, like I've said before, it's just one day, not a whole month.

I think the weather is playing a part in my struggle. I can't go outside because it's too cold and snowy. All the schools are closed today because we got a pretty good snow storm yesterday. I can't take the kids out because it's about 10 degrees outside. I can't go to the gym because my membership is on hold right now because of the baby. Wow, there are a lot of "can'ts" in that paragraph. I guess I just feel bummed right now and I need to pull myself out of this funk and fast.

This has been a good week. I signed up for WW online 2 days ago. I haven't had a lot of time to explore the website, but I have gotten the basics of the "new" program. I'm excited about it. Something new always seems to get me motivated. I have also been using the App for my iphone and tracking my points.

My goal is to lose 50 lbs by July 30. This week on Tuesday I had lost 1 lb. Normally I would say "Big deal, one pound is nothing. I can shit one pound" but this time was different. I thought "Hmm, that's great. I'm half way to my weekly goal of losing 2 lbs" I have no idea where that idea came from, but it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. Instead of thinking of the total I need to lose, I'm going to view it as 2 lbs a week. It really doesn't sound like a lot, but after one month thats 8 lbs! After 2 months, that's 16 lbs. That IS a lot. It all adds up and slowly but surely I will reach my goal. Actually 2 lbs a week will take me over my goal, so I have some wiggle room for plateaus and "bad" weeks.

This week I have lost 1.5 lbs. Only a half a pound to go and I will have met that part of my goals for the week.

The other goal I have set is to work out 3 times a week. This one has not been so easy to meet. It's so unpredictable with a baby. Some days go smoothly and some don't. Some nights are easy, and some nights I'm up half the night. I haven't been able to figure out how I'm going to achieve this goal before joining the gym again. It's not that I don't *want to* work out. It's finding the time with a new baby. I'm going to cut myself some slack on this one. I could very easily just give it all up until the baby is older, so if I can manage to stick to the diet I'll be satisfied with that. Not happy, just satisfied. Mid January I will be able to start going to the gym again (with daycare) so if I can't manage to work out at home, that is what I'll do. I'm just nervous to take the baby to daycare in the middle of cold and flu season, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I feel really good about my attitude right now. I wish I could stop the evening sweet binges though. I could be losing more if I could just stop eating after a sensible dessert. I have too much junk in my house. I'm clearing it out a little at a time. I wanted to throw some fudge out last night but my husband wouldn't let me. He said it was a "sin" to throw away food but I know it's really him just wanting to eat the fudge. I told him if he really wanted to keep it, he had to hide it because I couldn't resist it. I couldn't. It's one of those things that I only get at this time of year and just couldn't stop myself from eating it. I have to get foods like that out of the house. My husband will just have to understand that this is what I need to do right now. Once I get some momentum going I will be able to say "no" easier, but for not it's tough.

I got the "OK" from my doctor to diet and exercise last week. I have had out of town company for a week in my house so it was difficult to start any plan or even to exercise. They left this morning and I have no more excuses.

I spoke with my husband about returning to Weight Watchers meetings and he is not thrilled at the prospect of watching both kids each week while I attend a meeting. I'm not going to vent about how mad that makes me and how I should be able to take 45 mins a week for myself. Because of this, I've been thinking about joining WW online. I am excited about their new program and think I can get all the new information online. I believe it's $69 for 3 months and that will allow me to use all their online tools and get the new plan info.

My only hesitation is starting it now. Would it be totally stupid to think I can actually lose weight throughout the holidays? I don't want to waste the first month because I am not in the right frame of mind to actually lose weight. I've always thought if I just maintain my weight throughout December that I've done good. Could I actually lose weight? Is it possible?? I need to think about that question for a while.

I gained 2 pounds over this past week. I am still not producing enough milk for my amazon baby so I don't think it actually allows me an extra 900 calories a day like some women say. However, I have pigged out. I've been eating crap since I've had guests. I can't blame them, it's my fault. The first half of the week my Sister in Law was here and she is on a diet. She was being good. I was the one who wasn't.

The second half of the week my other sister in law was here and she has a weight problem too. We made a deal to lose 50 lbs by the end of July. We've made this deal before and neither one of us has done it. However, this year she has a family wedding to attend and I have my 25 year high school reunion to attend in August. Will this be motivation enough? If I do it, my husband will by me a leather coat. If she does it her husband will buy her a new outfit. However, if only one of us does it, the other will also buy the one who does it a new outfit. For example, if I lose 50 pounds and she doesn't, I get a new outfit from her and my husband will also buy me a leather jacket. Not a bad deal.

My only obstacle right now is finding the time to work out with the baby. This past week she has discovered that she likes the swing. (Finally!) She will swing and fall asleep in it without a problem. As long as I don't use it too much, I can see dropping my older daughter off at school, coming home and working out while the baby swings.

My husband went back to work last Monday. However, I've had people here to help me get my daughter to school and help with the baby this past week. Tomorrow is the first day I have to do it myself. I'm nervous and scared, but I'll do it. I don't really have a choice. Moms do it all over the world and I can to.

Getting myself healthy will be a challenge, especially with a new baby to take care of. However, I have to make it a priority. I am 42. When the baby is 5, I will be 47. I have to have the energy to run around with her and play with her. Time is ticking. My doctor also told me he'd like to test me for diabetes after the holidays. It's a 3 hour test. I think I'm going to push that back a couple of months and really focus on getting healthy. I guess my first goal should be to pass that glucose test. I kind of have the feeling that it's now or never. I can't keep letting years go by and think that I still have time to get healthy. I really don't. I'm not "old" but I'm not "young" either. Now is the time.

I guess I just answered my own question. YES I CAN LOSE WEIGHT IN DECEMBER. Christmas is ONE day. Not a whole month. I can and will do this. I'm going to sign up for WW this week and get started on the program. My 2 goals this week are to sign up for WW online and to work out 3 times in my basement. I can do this!!

The baby is 5 weeks old this week. I can't believe it! Time is flying, but in the middle of the night dragging. She is usually up for at least an hour to two each night which is no fun, but around that time she is sleeping well. Last night I got 5 hours in a row.

Last week I came down with a nasty case of mastitis. That's an infection in the breast. I had the chills alternating with sweats for almost 3 days. That was horrible. Thank God my friend from PA was here for the week staying with me and she was a HUGE help. I was able to rest and get better by the time she left. The doctor put me on antibiotics which had side effects that were really nasty. Two nights (last night being one of them) I was up with major acid reflux. It got so bad last night I was throwing up and had esophageal spasms.

The reason I bring this up is that it's a reminder that I need to get my eating under control. The symptoms last night was not due to my eating, but when I go crazy and eat like crap, the same thing (to a lesser degree) happens. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be sick all the time. I want to feel great and healthy.

I have one more week until I can start exercising again. I need to figure out a way to get that done since the baby seems to enjoy little cat naps instead of a nice long nap. It might take a week or two but I'll figure something out. I wish I lived in a warmer climate so I could walk outside.

Baby is up and crying, more later!

I feel sick to my stomach now. I have this HUGE bag of candy that was not given out at Halloween. My husband took our daughter trick or treating so I stayed home to hand out candy. As soon as they left the baby needed to be fed so I turned off our light and it never got turned back on. Now I have a huge bag of my favorite candy just sitting on my table, calling my name.

I have gained a pound because of that damn candy. I've been snacking on it all day long and I can't stop. HELP! I know I should just throw it away, but then my husband will start lecturing me about wasting food and money. ARGH! Where is my self control????

My stress level is at an all time high right now because my daughter and husband are both sick. This means zero help with the baby at night so I'm the one getting up and taking care of her. It's nice to have someone who can at least rock her to sleep after I'm done feeding her, but I really don't want her to get sick so my husband is staying away from her. Sigh......

I'm feeling defeated right now and powerless. I feel like a loser that can't control herself. Gotta go, the baby is crying!

100th post

It seems fitting that this is my 100th post. The labor and delivery are behind me and I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

Baby update- this time around is so different from when baby #1 came. I am much more calm and know what to expect. She is the best baby! She is breast feeding like a champ and each night I'm getting more and more sleep. At first she didn't like her bassinet, but these past 2 nights she has given up the fight and started to sleep at night. When you go from getting an hour of sleep a night to 4 hours, it's is pure joy! I used to think I needed 8 hours of sleep to function, but I've found out that 4 hours will do.

I've come up with a weight loss plan. I can't "officially" do any dieting or exercising for 6 weeks, which is fine with me. That will take me to the beginning of December. Right now my plan is to slowly get back into the swing of things throughout December. If I can manage to not gain that month, I will be ecstatic. The holidays are always tough for me, but this year we are going to keep everything low key because of the baby.

I am happy to report that as of last week I am only 10 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight! I am SO HAPPY about that! Even if I just maintain right now for a while, to have to lose only 10 lbs after having a baby is really good. These past 2 days I have been wearing my pre pregnancy jeans. They are a *little* snug, but not too bad.

I am thinking about counting WW points again. I know you can follow the plan while breast feeding so I might do that. Or, I might email the dietician and have her modify the gestational diabetes diet for a breast feeding mom. Both I can do now, although the instructions said not to "diet to lose weight" for 6 weeks. But, I know WW does allow breast feeding moms to follow the plan. I am going to do some research and contact the dietician and see what she thinks. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk production (Yes, I feel like a cow) but I also don't want to make the mistake I made with baby #1 and start gaining weight.

The best news I have to report is I have no signs of post partum depression. I was so worried about that. I feel great. Tired at times and not happy all the time, but that's normal when you are dealing with a new born. I feel nothing like I felt the first time around. I know I need to keep watching for signs, but so far I feel really good. I think the fact that hubby is helping out much more this time around helps too. He was afraid the first time around, but this time he's diving right in and helping.

That's my update. I am looking forward to getting healthy by the end of 2011. My 25th high school reunion is in August so that gives me a target date to hit my goal. I am feeling optimistic and excited about getting back on track and getting healthy. Life is so good!!!