Welcome Macy Anne

DOB: Wednesday, October 13

Time: 2:41 pm

9 lbs 7 oz

22" long

The labor was really great this time around. Less than 10 mins of pushing. She is pretty darn big so I'm pretty sore. Per Doctors orders no dieting or working out for 6 weeks! YES!!

She is the best baby and breast feeding is going really well. Overall, it's been a great experience. I'm getting enough sleep to not go crazy, but still could use a few more hours per night. I'm not complaining though. It's all worth it.

We have a plan

FINALLY, I have a plan. I realized today that it's not that I'm being a control freak. It's that I don't think the doctors are paying me much attention or even know themselves what is going on with me.

Today my OB's office called to move up my induction date. The office manager told me that the OB said he'd really like to deliver me sooner if possible. He NEVER told me that. I have always thought he wanted to wait until the 18th to induce me. The reason they didn't schedule me for next week was because they were booked and the doctor didn't have an opening in his schedule. She also told me that the OB would look at my ultra sound results and decide if we should do a c section or not. Whew. I just wanted to know that he understood my concerns and was addressing them. I don't think he's a very good communicator and I wasn't asking enough questions. I guess this just shows me that I need to start sticking up for myself. Nobody is going to do it for me and I need to realize that I am worth the time and effort it takes to answer some questions.

I feel so much better knowing there is a plan in place and come hell or high water I will have my baby by next Wednesday at the latest. I am so excited!!!

It is so weird for me to get on the scale each day and weigh the same. This must be what it feels like to be in "maintenance mode." I love it. I can go for 2 or 3 days, not weigh myself, get on the scale on day 4 and weigh the same. It's so strange for me that I'm not obsessing about food or what I weigh for one of the first times in my life. I love feeling like this! Besides, I know that the baby is getting bigger, but I'm not. This will only mean good things for me once I have this baby.

I was going to come on here and complain about my doctors and how they can't come up with a good plan for me and how I should deliver this baby. I've changed my mind. I'm not going to type one complain tonight. That's because I am feeling so very thankful right now.

At the beginning of the year I got involved with the bone marrow donor program. There was a local fire fighter who is in his late 30's and has acute leukemia. He has 2 kids and a wife who love him. He had the transplant and was doing well until about a week ago. Things started to take turn for the worse. He's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what is going wrong in his body. I started reading his updates on a very bad day. I had come from the OB and got news I didn't like.

Then it hit me. What the hell do I have to complain about? I am carrying a healthy baby. I have stopped gaining weight. My family is healthy. I am healthy. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will have a new baby. What is my fricken' problem that I can't see everything I have to be thankful for and I can spend so much damn time dwelling on what's not going right? He doesn't know if he will be alive in 2 weeks. I know that I will and I will have a new healthy baby to boot!

I am not going to waste one more minute worrying about what I can't control with this pregnancy. I am giving up control and enjoying being pregnant. I am thankful for everything that I have and all the wonderful people in my life. You should be too!

Saw the OB yesterday. He won't do anything to help me have this baby until I am 39 weeks. If I don't go into labor on my own, they are going to schedule me for a c section on the 13th of October. The OB is worried about the size of the baby and what could happen if I can't get her out on my own. Without boring you, it "could be" bad, or it could be no problem at all. Since they don't know which way it could go, if I go to 39 weeks they feel more comfortable doing a c section. I'm scared but ok with it I guess. I'm going to do everything in my power to go into labor on my own before then. EVERYONE has told me to have lots of sex, so my hubby is very happy about that.

I was reading an article about weight loss today and kind of had one of those simple epiphanies. Something that I *should* know, but never really thought about. It had 10 tips for losing weight and one of the tips was having cut up/washing veggies within eye site in your fridge. I think about how I have to eat now and how I've gotten rid of the junk for the most part because of the diabetes. When I'm hungry, I automatically reach for the hummus because that's what's there.

If I could just keep this frame of mind going once this baby comes, it will be so much easier for me to lose weight. Imagine your house having NO garbage in it. No candy, no chips, etc. Imagine it being filled with fruits and veggies and good stuff. Now imagine it's 4:00 in the afternoon. You're not quite hungry, but you need *something* to tide you over until dinner. You start searching through your cupboards and see healthy options. You open the fridge and there's more of the same. What are you going to do?

Are you going to drive to McDonalds and get a double cheeseburger? Are you going to drive to the store and get some chips? I highly doubt it. For one, you are not "hungry" you just want a little something. That feeling is not enough for you to get into your car and drive anywhere to satisfy this need. For another thing, is it really worth it? When you really stop to think about it- is it really worth sabotaging your diet just because you want a little something?

So, here's my point. If I've learned anything with this diabetic diet, it's to NEVER let yourself get hungry. That is when we make poor choices. Look for a healthy option when you are just feeling that beginning pang of hunger. Take snacks with you if you have to so you aren't tempted to go through a drive through if that feeling hits. I'm supposed to eat every 2 hours. Do I? No, but I try. But, I haven't gained any weight in over 8 weeks now. This works.

I just need to remember this in a few weeks when I'm sleep deprived and my hormones are going crazy after this baby comes. You'll remind me, won't you??

Baby Update

No baby yet. It feels like she will never come. I do have news though.

Last week the OB said he would induce me a week early, making me have the baby on October 11. The next day the office called and said they have scheduled my induction for October 18th! It turns out my OB will be out of town the week before my due date. Great. What's with these doctors thinking they can take vacations whenever they want- LOL.

The next day I went to have my ultrasound done and the baby is 8 pounds 2 oz right now! Holy shit! My appointment was later in the afternoon so I couldn't call the doctor to talk to him about inducing me earlier. If I wait until the 17th there is a good chance I will have a 10 pound baby and I really don't want to go through that. I'm going to call the OB and see if he will be willing to induce me a week from Monday. (He does his inductions on Mondays) I'm willing to beg if I have to. I am terrified that I'm going to have a HUGE ass baby!

So, that's my update. I'll hopefully have more specific news next week. I'm driving myself crazy trying to plan this out and I have to just let it go. It's not something that I can control and that's hard for me to deal with. Maybe this is the lesson I have to learn, to be ok with not controlling something that I have no control over.

I know I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I don't have much to say. I'm following this diet and not gaining any weight. I'm not working out. My days seem to be getting busier and busier and that's given me reasons to blow off working out. I know I will regret it later.

I know the fact that I am not gaining is why I don't feel the need to work out. However, I know doing some cardio each day will help me when I deliver this baby. I guess I just don't care. I'm still feeling really weak most days from this diet and don't feel up to it. I honestly cannot wait to get back to my "normal" eating. I do think I've managed to conquer my portion control issues. If I can just manage that, I won't put any weight back on after the baby comes.

That is my fear. With my first daughter I put on all the weight (40 lbs) AFTER she was born. I was depressed and ate whatever I wanted to eat. I'd drive to McDonalds almost every day and eat 2 double cheeseburgers and let my daughter sleep. I can't let that happen this time.

I think my mind set right now is "wait until the baby comes and then I'll get back on track." I know it's not the best mentality, but it is what it is. At the most I have 3 weeks to go. I know I won't be able to work out for a few weeks (and my gym membership expires on October 1) but if I can get into some sort of routine while my husband is home, it might make it easier once he goes back to work to stick with it. He'll be home for 6 weeks which will take us to Thanksgiving.

I think it's so interesting that the majority of the blogs I read are stalling as well. Is it the time of year? Are people just getting busier?

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say I'm still alive. No baby yet. I get an ultrasound on Friday to see how big the baby is and then my OB will tell me if they are going to induce me before my due date or not. The appointment was supposed to be today but it was cancelled. I am so bummed! I'm kind of a control freak so I was looking forward to coming up with a plan. I will keep you posted once I know what's going on.

Do you know what scares me? Never being satisfied with how I look or what I weigh. In high school I weighed all of 170 lbs max. I thought I was a fat cow and hated my body.

When I got married I weighed 185 and bought a smaller wedding dress swearing to myself I'd lose enough weight to fit into it. Did I? Hell no. All I did was find out the dress I selected could not be altered and I had to order a new one 2 weeks before my wedding. Talk about stress!

I read so many blogs and so many people look just fine to me. They've lost weight and are still not happy. They want to lose just 20 lbs more or want to fit into a size (fill in the blank.)

What if that is me? I don't want to spend the rest of my life never being satisfied with how I look or how much I weigh. Is it going to be impossible for me to love my body no matter what?

I swore when I turned 40 that I would not spend another decade hating my body. On Sunday I will turn 42 and haven't changed much. I am still not happy with the way I look and want to lose weight. My goal weight is 175. Will that satisfy me? Will that make me happy? Why is my happiness tied to my body and how it looks?

I'm not saying I spend each and every moment hating the way I look and dwelling on the fact that I am overweight. But, each time I pass a mirror I cringe just a little. Then all those thoughts creep into my brain about how I'm letting myself down and how much my life could improve if only I could lose 50 lbs etc.

I don't want to live like this anymore. And, let's say I do get to 175. Will I be happy? Will I just find other things to hate about myself?

I know it's a little silly to think about all this now. I'm 8 months pregnant and let's face it, I can't really diet right now. Even after the baby comes it's going to take me a while until I can really work out and focus on eating healthy most of the time. I just want to love my body so my daughters will know that you don't have to be a size 8 to be happy. You can be a size 28 and be just as happy. Maybe not as healthy, but it is possible to be happy at that size isn't it?

I don't want to pass this legacy down. I want this to end with me. I am very careful about saying anything negative about myself to my daughter. I have never said that I am fat in front of her. I never intend to. When she's in the bathroom and I weigh myself I never even react. When I weight her I cheer her on for whatever she weighs.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. The thought just occurred to me tonight that I might never be satisfied with my body and that makes me incredibly sad. I have so much to be thankful and happy for in my life and to spend any time being sad about a body that is adored by my daughter makes no sense to me. She loves me just the way I am, and by the way so does my husband. I need to give myself that unconditional love and figure out how I got this way so I don't pass it down.