I've been doing ok lately. Just ok. I'm back to my pre Disney weight and that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is the speed at which I am losing weight. I feel like I am working so hard at this (most days) and I should be seeing more progress on the scale.

A friend of mine just joined Weight Watchers and she lost 5 lbs her first week. She only has about 15 to lose total. I was really jealous. I've never had a 5 pound loss in one week! I think 3 is my highest and I've got another 40 lbs to lose!

I know I'm doing it the right way this time. I know "slow and steady wins the race." I know all of this in my head, but my heart still breaks when I see that I've only lost one pound in a week.

I have also been very busy this week and haven't had enough time in my day to exercise. I've worked out twice so far this week and tomorrow isn't looking good. Maybe Saturday, but I have a baby shower to go to so I'm not sure if I'll find the time. Last week I worked out SIX times. This week it might only be 2, 3 if I'm lucky. I actually took Sunday off thinking that my week looked pretty clear so I should have had time to go to the gym every day. Boy, was I wrong! I guess I've learned that I need to always take the opportunity to work out when I have it, because you never know what will come up the following day.

I've made some pretty good choices this week and I've done good overall. I need to stop dwelling on what I haven't done and start thinking about all the good things I have done. There have been lots of good choices this week. I've had to eat out a few times and I've made good choices and haven't overeaten. Why do I still feel like I could have done so much more? Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Why can't I celebrate my successes, even if their small ones? Why are the failures thought about so much more than the successes? These are all things that I need to think about and try to figure out so I don't make the same mistakes I've made in the past.

I know I'm kind of rambling today. I feel "off." Maybe a little sad. I took my daughter to a play date today and nobody talked to me. I tried to make small talk and talk to the other moms I didn't know, but they all knew each other and were in their own conversations. I felt like I was in high school again. All I could think of was "they probably don't like me because I'm fat" It's so ridiculous! I hate feeling this way. I'm not a bad person. I'm just shy and don't really approach people I don't know very often. I'm going to stop now. I could just ramble on and on and on and on........ but I won't. Not tonight.

My realization

I've changed the name of my blog. I've been watching tv and I've seen quite a few shows lately on drug and alcohol addicts. I was surprised to learn that I can apply just about all their problems to myself and food. I guess I've never really bought into the idea that I am a food addict. I'm not as bad as a drug addict am I? Well, in all reality, yes I am.

I constantly think about food. I enjoy my food more than I should. I use food for things more than fuel for my body. I don't think about the consequences because I want the instant gratification. At times I try to hide my eating.

Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm addicted to food.

I'm really not being flippant about this. It's kind of freaking me out. I've thought about this before, but not to the extent of these past few days. I've always been one to "go on a diet" lose the weight and then go off the diet. If I'm an addict, that means that I will have to manage this the rest of my life. It means the "old me" is gone and can never return. The "old me" is not compatible with the "new me." It means that food will always be in the fore front of my brain because if I relax and slide back into old habits, I will gain the weight back.

I smoked for about 15 years. It was hell to quit. The difference between that and eating is that I need food to survive. At the time I thought I needed the cigarettes, but I didn't. I learned over time to become a new person. I started smoking in high school to be cool. I was one of those painfully shy kids and I thought if I smoked, people would like me more. Well, they didn't and I got a 15 year habit out of it. I realized that I had to change in order to save my life. This is the same thing. I need to change in order to live a long life for myself and my husband and my daughter. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner. If a drug addict doesn't quit drugs, they will die earlier.

Now, what do I do with all of these revelations? I have no idea. I can file it away in a little part of my brain and forget about it like I've done in the past. Or, I could deal with it and find a way to incorporate these thoughts into successfully losing weight. I'm half way there. I would be thrilled to lose another 40 lbs. and be at my goal weight. Something I haven't been since before I got married in 1999.

I'm still mulling all this over and trying to figure out what to do with it. Overeaters Annonymous? Therapy? Not sure yet, but at least I admit that I have a problem and isn't that half the battle??

Finally back from vacation. It was a long 8 days. I love DisneyWorld, but when you actually get there and it's hot, the lines are long and you have a 3 year old in tow you start to think "Hmmm, maybe the idea of Disney is better than the actual thing." We did have fun, but I'm glad to be home.

We got the free Disney Dining plan while we were there, which mean 2 meals a day and a snack. Most days I only ate one meal because the portions are so large. I started out the week great. I had a great attitude and for the first 2 days really stuck to my plan. However, around day #3 it started to fall apart. On the dining plan, you get one "counter service" meal and one "sit down" meal which means that you have an actual wait person who takes your order and brings you food. BUT, the dangerous thing for me is you get TWO desserts, one with each meal. I had this little devil on my shoulder saying "It's free, you can't turn down free food." and there was no angel on the other shoulder arguing with that devil, so I gave in. I discovered creme brulee and OMG, is it good. I am a HUGE sweets fan and just couldn't resist. Honestly, at the time, I didn't want to resist. There are a few restaurants there that have REALLY good food there that I don't normally eat. I had the best steak I've ever had in my life at LeCellier in Epcot. I eat steak every once in a while, but the steak I had there was cooked to perfection.

Disney has come a long way in offering healthier options, but they still have a ways to go. Most of the counter service restaurants offered a salad, but it was a chicken caesar salad. Once you add that cheese and dressing, it's not very healthy after all. I tried to do some research before I left about the nutritional information of their foods, but didn't get very far. Most of the online menus are outdated and I couldn't find any information about the counter service foods.

I think my biggest challenge is going to be to get back on track now that I'm home. Eating all those sweets has taken it's toll on me mentally. Now I have to stop cold turkey. By the way, I did gain 4.5 pounds on my trip. It's ok, I will lose it this week. I am going to reduce my caloric intake a little and start working out again. My daughter has a cold so I won't be able to take her to the gym, but I will work out at home. I have to get back on track immediately or I risk gaining even more.

I have my Weight Watchers meeting tonight so hopefully that will help motivate me. I knew I'd gain some weight and 4.5 pounds isn't that bad considering what I ate. Hopefully it will be gone in a week and I can get back on track. My next goal is 199. I haven't set a date for that yet, but I'm planning on doing that later today.

Biggest Loser is starting tonight and I can't wait! That show is always so motivating for me. These people who weigh 300+ pounds are working out 6-7 hours a day! I always tell myself that if they can do it at 300 lbs, I can certainly do 45 mins a day at 214 pounds. Yes, 214. I've lost a few since my last post.

I had a birthday last weekend. I did something last night that I was really proud of. My husband and daughter made me a cake. It was my favorite kind of cake and I made the frosting. YUM-ME! So I had a piece on my birthday and the day after. Yesterday, I was thinking about that cake all day long. Seriously, if I were a heroine addict, that would be my brand. I was shocked at how much that stupid cake took up my thoughts. I knew I was going to have a piece for dessert. I knew the scale was up yesterday morning. I basically thought "There's nothing I can do about it until that cake is gone" It was light a light bulb went off in my head. I said to myself "I'm going to throw it in the garbage" OMG, what a concept! THROW IT OUT! Once I made the decision to do it, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Seriously, how pathetic is that? I threw it in the garbage and felt so proud of myself. Of course, the scale didn't move at all this morning. I thought the Universe should have deducted a pound because of my will power. No such luck.

I also remembered that sometimes it can take a day or two of eating badly for it to show on the scale. How could I have forgotten that? I think I got a little cocky because when I woke up on my birthday I was 213 pounds. I did well but could have done better. I went to a movie and had a squirt of the "butter topping." I went to Outback and had a salad, steak and sweet potato fries (AWESOME) which I knew wasn't good. And of course, the dreaded cake. But, I keep telling myself that I could have done so much worse. I could have blown the whole weekend because of my birthday. I didn't. I worked out on Sunday and today. I'm back on track.

I leave for vacation to Disney World next Monday. I am terrified. We are taking advantage of the Free Dining Plan. The food there is awesome. It's very difficult for me to say no to fattening foods when they are foods I can only get when I'm down there. I will do my best. That's all I can do. I don't see myself working out because there is no gym at our resort and my husband and daughter will be with me. It's kind of hard to do sit ups and push ups in the room if they are there with me. I feel stupid doing that in front of them, well, my husband at least. My daughter cheers me on when I work out, which I love.

I will do my best and hope for the best. That's all I can do.

I finally worked out today. As I was on the treadmill I was thinking about great it felt to move my body. I was thinking that I should work out again after dinner. I've been contemplating working out twice a day a few days a week to guarantee I will reach my goal within the next 5 weeks. The only problem I might run into is my age and back. My hubby, daughter and I took a leisurely walk after dinner and my back started to ache. I hate that. I hate that I'm not young anymore and I can't move the way I used to. I'm 40 and I'm going to be 41 in a month. It's harder to lose weight and it's harder to move around like I used to. I keep thinking that once I get back into a routine it will be easier. It will. I just have to keep moving and walking and not take weeks off from exercise anymore. I can't do that. I can push through these next 5 weeks, work really hard and then feel great when I hit my goal. I can and will do that.

I'm back from vacation. I didn't do well. The first half was spent with my friend who is also trying to diet. I manage to work out twice, but I came down with a nasty cold so I didn't get any other work outs in. It was great fun carrying around a box of Puffs with lotion. The second half of the vacation was spent walking around Washington DC (still with the tissues) and site seeing. I had a good time, but didn't eat well,

I got back last Sunday promising I would get back on track first thing Monday morning. Did that happen? Nooooooo. Dammit. WHY is it so hard to get back on the wagon when I've had such great success? I feel so good when I'm working out and eating healthy. I feel proud of myself when I see the number on the scale go down. Who wouldn't want that? Well, me for some reason. I just don't know why I can't get back on track. I keep telling myself tomorrow I'll do it for sure, but then tomorrow never comes. I have about 5 weeks to make my goal. I have to lose roughly 3 pounds a week. That's a big number. Not "biggest loser" big, but big for me. I can do it if I set my mind to it, but how do I do that?

I have a plan. I will sit down tomorrow (which is Sunday) and plan out my menus for the week. I will take meals and snacks if I have something to do on a particular day. I will set myself up for success. Stay tuned to see what happens......

I've been having a difficult time this past 2 weeks. I was on a vacation for almost a week. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone. I was actually proud of that because I usually do much worse when I'm not home. Then less than a week later, we had out of town company for a week. Again, I've gained weight. It's so hard for me to get back on track when I've fallen off the wagon. I just need a solid day or two of doing well and I should be good to go. My only problem is I leave again on Friday to go visit family in PA and VA. I will be gone for 11 days. While I love going on vacation, I don't love how it messes with my diet and exercise routine. I always go with good intentions. I know I will be eating out much more and I won't have total control since I'm staying at people's houses. I was raised to just eat what you are given and not complain. I know I use that as an excuse too. I feel funny asking someone to make me something "special" because I'm trying to lose weight. I will most likely hear "You're on vacation. Take a break from your diet" and I don't want to argue. If I do well on this vacation, I can still hit my goal to be under 200 by the time we leave for Disney.

I am trying to will myself to work out. I realized today that I have an all or nothing mentality. I know I should do my Jilian Michael's "Shred" DVD. I just don't want to. Since I don't want to do that, (and really should) I'm having a hard time going in my basement to work out. 45 minutes on the treadmill will still do me a lot of good. Since in my mind I should be maintaining the muscle I have built, I feel that if i don't do resistance training today, why bother do anything at all?

It's that thinking that has gotten me to this weight. In the past I've thought "I'm going on vacation on Friday and will blow the next week, so why not just blow this week and start over after I get home?" I need to realize that anything I do to move my body today will be a good thing. I don't need the motivation to work out. The motivation will come after a few successful day. I just need to do something, anything today.