Confessions of a food addict

2012-02-04T18:26:00.001-08:00

I know I need to blog more. I don't even have an excuse this time. I actually think about things to say all the time, I just don't sit down and do it.

So, I am not going to say I haven't blogged because I've been doing terrible because that's NOT TRUE this time. I am doing AWESOME! I hate to say this, because we all know how these things can come back around to bite us in the ass, but for some reason this time I "get it." I get that this is a lifestyle change. I get that I have to record everything I put into my mouth to be successful. I get that I can't eat like I was eating and lose weight. I just get "it" and don't feel deprived.

I have no reason why either. I'm just doing what I need to do. There are times when I do eat badly, but I get right back on track the next day. Like last night for instance. I went to a friends house for dinner. She had pizza and that was it. No salad, no fruit, nothing healthy. So, I took it as a "cheat night" and ate the pizza and today I am back on track. It is a bit harder once you eat like that to get back on track, but I did it.

I've been averaging about 1200 calories day in my eating. I just load my plate up with veggies and limit the protein to a smaller portion. But, my goal is really 1500 a day so if I go over that 1200, it's ok. I'm good with that.

The BIG thing I've done that I've never in my life done before is to eliminate drinking pop. (Yes, in Michigan we call soda- pop) My goal was to cut down to one diet pop a day and I was doing that. But, my rule is I can't drink pop until all my water is consumed for the day. So if I'm slow at drinking the water, I don't get the pop. I realized after a few days that I hadn't had pop for about 4 days and was amazed that I didn't even miss it. I never in my life thought I'd give it up. But again, if I'm out or at someone's house, I'll drink it. I haven't cut it out completely, but for the most part I don't drink it anymore.

I honestly don't know what's caused this change in me. I don't know why I'm doing so well and not hating every second of it. At the beginning I did. I was in a terrible mood the first few days but that feeling went away.

The next thing I need to work on is exercise. I'm just not doing it. I can't seem to find the time. I get about an hour and a half a day while the baby is napping and I think other things are more important to do. I know there will come a time when I want to work out so I'm not sweating it just yet. I am just thrilled that my diet is going so well.

So (drum roll please) I've been on this diet for just over three weeks and I've lost EIGHT pounds! Yes, that's right!!! I am so happy about that. My goal is to lose 50 by the end of the year which is only one pound a week. I sent a very achievable goal because at the end of the year when I weigh 175, I won't care that it took me the whole year to lose the weight. I will just be so happy that I got there. Right now I am 4+ weeks ahead of schedule.

Happy New Year

2012-01-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! For all my whining the last post I can say that I managed to maintain my weight over the holidays. From Thanksgiving to New Years I weighed the exact same which is really good considering how I was feeling. It is a higher weight but I'm so glad I didn't put on an additional 10 pounds.

I am on day #3 of a new healthy me! I started tracking my food and drinking more water. I figured out my BMR which tells me how many calories my body needs just to stay alive at this weight. I deducted 500 calories per day so with diet alone I should lose a pound a week. If I add exercise in there, I will lose more weight. I don't have the exact numbers with me but deducting 500 calories a day put me at around 1800 calories per day. That's a lot. I can easily stay around 1500 and feel satisfied for the most part with what I've eaten for the day. By doing that I can lose almost 2 pounds a week with diet alone.

For the last 3 days I have eaten about 1500 calories per day. I can't say I'm "happy" with what I eat. I've created some really bad habits over the last 6 months that are going to take some time to break. I'd been stopping at McDonalds and getting a Mocha Frappe. The calories in that drink are obscene. I can feel myself wanting to drive there and get one, but there is no way I can lose weight and drink those at the same time. I would also treat myself to something sweet after each meal. That has to stop as well. It's ok if I allow myself something small each day, but that's it. Not a few times a day.

I guess what got me motivated was my niece being here over New Year's. My husband got "me" the XBOX 360 with Kinect for Christmas. (I have yet to use it but he's gotten really good at Call of Duty) Anyway, my niece asked me if I'd join her dance party with my daughter one evening and I didn't really answer her. I didn't end up dancing with them because I had no energy. I just couldn't believe that I'd become one of those moms who can't even play with their kids. I will not allow that. I WILL lose this weight so this Summer my kids will have a hard time keeping up with me. I will only have a few years with my kids being small and wanting to play with me. It's not too late to turn things around. At least I hope so.....

2011-12-29T17:31:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't been posting. The reason is because I'm not doing well. I had a really awful thought today. I read and follow the anti Jarred and he is constantly posting about how he lost over 200 pounds. Sometimes I think he talks about it too much. I just want to tell him "Yes, I know you've lost 200 pounds. Can you write about something else?" Anyway, he wrote something like if he could do it, anyone could.

My awful thought was "no, I can't. Those people who do it must have something I don't." How self defeating is that? To honestly think I can't do it? Where do I go from there? How do I begin to start something when I don't think I can do it? To be honest, I can't. I have to get it in my brain that I can do it before I even try. It's hard enough to diet and exercise, but when you have a voice inside your head telling yourself you can't do it, you won't. It's just not possible.

I need to mentally get back to a good place. I have been very overwhelmed with the kids. I don't know how people do it with more than 2 kids. I have such a hard time keeping it all together with just the two. I know it will get better in time. It has gotten better now that Macy is over 1 year old, but I don't want to wait another year.

I feel like shit right now. Physically, I don't even want to admit this, but I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. My husband commented on it the other day when I carried something downstairs and was out of breath. Really? He had to say something? Doesn't he know how disgusted and embarrassed I am to be in this shape? I don't need him pointing it out to me.

I am still using the baby as an excuse to not go to the gym. She does terrible when she is there, but it's only because I take her for a day, she cries and I don't take her back. Once we both get into a routine it will be fine.

I know that I am a lucky and blessed person. I have 2 healthy kids, I am relatively healthy considering my weight and I have a good marriage. I've heard a lot of bad news about people and their situations lately that are much worse off than I am. I feel guilty whining and crying about things that aren't that big of a deal.

I know this post is scattered but I need to get back to posting. At least if I know I am accountable to this blog, maybe that will help me do something. One of my Christmas presents from my husband (the only thing I really wanted) was a day off. A day where I can go do what I want without the kids. That day was supposed to be tomorrow but the way things are shaping up I might not be able to do it. Anyway, the only thing I want to do is go to the gym. If I can go alone, have a nice long work out without being worried about getting called to the daycare, that might just be enough to get me motivated. That will be my first step. Tomorrow I will work out. I need to take it one day at a time and stop looking at it like one HUGE thing I need to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym. That's it.

Happy New year! Maybe everyone be blessed with good health and all the love they can handle in 2012!!!

2011-11-29T06:01:00.000-08:00

I am back from Tennessee and ready to get back on track. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone and fully expected that. We stayed at someone's house and apparently this person doesn't eat lunch. They eat breakfast and dinner. However, since we were in the "guest apartment" we never knew when they were actually making breakfast so we missed it everyday. We'd end up eating a bowl of cereal which did not hold me over until breakfast. The only reason I am bringing this up is because we ate out everyday for lunch. I didn't make great choices, although I didn't make awful ones either. Because of that I think I was holding water because of the sodium. I was up 4 pounds yesterday but lost 2 of this yesterday so I don't think it was an actual gain of 4 pounds.

I am a HUGE Dr Phil fan and yesterday on yesterday's show he was endorsing ANOTHER fricken' diet and exercise plan. Ugh. My first reaction was to go online and order it ASAP. But, I'm not going to do that. I am sick and tired of throwing money at my problem. I know what to do. I know how to do it. Ordering another diet and exercise plan isn't going to make me get off my butt and work out. I'm really struggling with this because I always have the newest plan out there. I have the books, or the Wii game or whatever it happens to be. I am not going to cave this time. The plan is $69 and that will buy me almost 2 months of WW.

My plan today is to work out in my basement when the baby goes down for her nap. Going to the gym is out of the question because last week she started a phase where she has to be by me at all times or she screams. This is a new and hopefully short lived phase. I won't even attempt to drop her off at the daycare at the gym because she won't last more than 5 minutes. I need to stop using her as an excuse to not work out. I can still get in a decent work out in my basement. I have a TON of work out DVD's as well as those Wii games I mentioned previously.

I've also realized that I need to come up with a concrete plan. I'm been just saying I'm going to start something and I do for a day or two but then blow it. I don't have a concrete plan to follow and I need that if I'm going to succeed. I'm going to work on that today too.

I feel like I'm back on track.. sort of. I need to take steps to be firmly back on track and feel confident and motivated. I'm back from my trip and it's time to get my butt moving. My fear is I will blow off December thinking that because of Christmas there is no way I can lose weight. However, Christmas is just one day. I don't have a lot of family so for me, it really is only a one day celebration. I need to stop making excuses and just go for it. My goal is to have lost weight this month.

PS- this is totally off subject but I'm SO excited to see Donny and Marie in Detroit on Thursday night. Yes, I'm a huge geek but I've always been a Donny fan and can't wait to see the show!

2011-11-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

I really need to keep up with this blog. I know only a couple people read it and one of them I talk to on a pretty regular basis so I don't always think about updating. It doesn't mean I don't read other blogs still. I do, I just haven't had much motivation lately, so it's hard to update when you don't have anything good to say.

However, I finally have some motivation today. I got on the scale this morning and almost cried. I have gained 19 pounds since August. Wow. I am shocked and saddened that I have allowed myself to gain this weight. It made me realize that I think so much about losing that I don't think at all about maintenance. If I would have only maintained my weight I wouldn't be the weight I am today.

I know my laundry list of reasons why this has happened. I told myself today that I need to stop talking about it, stop complaining about it, stop all my damn planning and just DO something. Anything. I just got done walking on my treadmill for 40 minutes. That's something. My eating should be pretty good today. I need to stay away from the Halloween candy. That has been on major obstacle these past few weeks.

This weekend is going to be tough. We are going to Tennessee to stay with my sister in laws family. I don't know these people very well so I'm a little nervous. We also won't have a lot of control over what we eat. However, one good thing is there will be a woman there who is an avid runner and very healthy. I'm hoping to pick her brain and get some tips on getting in shape and motivated.

I'm going to start paying attention to maintenance. I don't want to reach Jan 1 and have another 20 pounds to lose. I am going to (at the very least) maintain over this holiday season. So while I don't have great news to report, I have woken up and realized I need to stop the madness.

2011-10-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

I have seriously neglected this blog. I haven't had much to say lately.

I just got back from vacation last week. Took the family to Disneyworld. I don't usually post that stuff prior to the vacation because I don't want people to know that my house will be empty for a week. You just never know how reads your blog. Anyway, I thought I would have gained a TON of weight because with the dining plan at Disney, I am basically eating all day long. I was very relieved to find that I only gained one pound the whole week! Talk about relieved.

I've been in kind of a funk lately. I know that if I don't have my diet right, exercise will not do that much for weight loss. So, I've put both on the back burner. Today I got on the scale and saw that I've lost 4 pounds in this last week. That has renewed my motivation! I guess I should back track and say that I have been watching what I eat this past week. I have not been on a "diet" but just holding back on the amount of junk I consume. So far it is paying off. Makes me wonder how much I could have lost if I was on an actual diet.

The thing is, life is really busy right now. I have to incorporate a busy life and being healthy. It's always in the back of my mind that I'll be better "tomorrow." That thinking has caused me to gain weight these last few months. I am starting to think that I need to be healthy now. Today. Not some random time in the future.

This weekend is my baby's first birthday party. That means cake and pizza and junk. Ugh. I'm going to get some salad and a fruit bowl and try to be as good as I can be.

I know this post is random and all over the place but I have about 5 minutes to write before taking my daughter to school and I wanted to get something written today. I want to get back to blogging and keeping track of my food intake. That seems to be the only things that works for me.

2011-09-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

Well, the new diet plan didn't go as well as expected. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained, but I also haven't lost. Today is my birthday and I refuse to start my day off on that damn scale. It probably will not be good, so I don't even want to go there.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I really didn't think it would affect me (the Anniversary of 9/11) but it really did. It got me thinking about life and what's really important to me.

I want to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But, after years and years of obsessing about my weight, I'm ready to stop. Stop thinking all the time about what I eat. Stop feeling bad when I don't make time for exercise. Stop obsessing daily about my weight and body. It's so draining and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I think I've said this before, but I can guarantee you on my death bed I will not say that I wish I was skinny my whole life. I will say I wish I wouldn't have worried about it so much. I wish I would have just enjoyed my life and not felt bad about myself every day.

I can also guarantee you that if I died today, my obituary will not say "She was a fat slob who didn't take care of herself" It would list all the good qualities I have that I never give myself credit for. THOSE are the things I want to start concentrating on. I don't want to be so quick to judge myself and what I do. I want to cut myself slack like I would anyone else in my life.

I am NOT saying I am giving up. I will never do that. I am just saying I'm going to try to figure out how to have balance in my life and how to forgive myself. How to enjoy the "bad" things I eat instead of beating myself up about the calories. I want to take away all the power I've given food and learn how to just be happy with myself, no matter what weight I am.

How am I going to do this? I have no flippin' idea. But, maybe instead of buying another diet book, I can get a book about balance and forgiving myself. Maybe slowly but surely I can figure this out. I'm just tired. I'm 43 years old today and I don't want to waste one more year hating my body and constantly putting myself down because I've failed yet another diet. I want to start finding more joy in life and stop worrying so much about everything.

Yesterday I was standing outside and my neighbor came over. He was obviously upset. His wife passed away yesterday. They built their house to retire in. They probably had one good year before she got sick. I wonder what she thought before she died? Was she happy with the life she led? I want to be able to say "Well, I might have been fat, but at least I was happy" or "I turned it all around that 43rd year and finally figured it all out" Yes, that's the one.

2011-09-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm trying a new diet starting tomorrow. I need some structure. Just "trying to be good" is not working for me. I'm going to combine elements of both the 17 Day Diet and the South Beach diet.

On the 17DD you cannot eat red meat during the first cycle. I don't like that. On the South Beach diet, you can't have any carbs the first phase. I don't like that either. So, what I'm going to do if eat any kind of meat and eat only fruit until 2 pm like in the 17DD. Fruit will be the only carb I allow myself. And, I'm going to allow myself sugar free desserts like Jello and popsicles. Both are allowed on the 17DD but not on South Beach.

Confused yet? I just don't like either diet on it's own. I find them both too constricting so I do well for a few days and then go on a binge because I've been so deprived. This way I'm combining good elements from both diets and I'll see what happens. I'll give it a solid week before I decide if it's working.

I know this kind of sounds like I'm just taking the easiest route for both diets, but it's not really like that. I'm trying to set myself up for success instead of failure. It's better then what I'm doing now which is pretty much nothing. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I'd really like to lose 10 pounds before I go. These are not vanity pounds. These are pounds I need to lose so my clothes are comfortable when I'm out of town.

Tomorrow my 5 year old goes to Kindergarten for her first day. I'm getting so sad about this. I've been looking forward to it for weeks now, but now that the first day is actually here, I'm sad. I'm sad that these first 5 years of her life have gone by so quickly and it's only going to go faster and faster from here on out. I'm glad I'll have the time with the baby though. I'm sure we'll find plenty to do to keep us busy. (Like go to the gym)

2011-09-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis. I lost one of my best friends 2 days ago. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I've known her since I was 18 and watched all her kids grow up. I've changed a lot since I was 18, but she hasn't changed as much.

Which brings me to my mid life crisis. I've come to realize that I need to expect more from myself and the people around me. I want to surround myself with positive people that are uplifting. Not drama queens that are energy draining. Unfortunately, it's not easy to call up a good friend and say "Hey, do you think you could change because I'm changing and I can't deal with you the way you are"

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a crisis because things that were just fine a few months ago are not acceptable to me now. But, I'm also sticking up for myself and people don't like it. They are used to the person who just lets them take advantage and goes with the flow. I was the type of person who wouldn't yell fire if I was on fire in a movie theater because I wouldn't want to disturb anyone. No more. I'm starting to stick up for what I believe in. I'm starting to find my voice. It's taken me 42 years, but I've finally started to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've given myself credit for and I want other people to realize that too.

I'm sad that I know I will lose people along the way. There are people who were in my life that didn't add anything to it. They are emotional black holes and it's time to cut them loose. I don't have many friends so this is going to be very difficult for me. But, I'm worth it. I'm worth people in my life who value me and my friendship.

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but I think that realizing I'm worth more and giving myself the credit I deserve will help me take better care of my body.

The baby is calling, gotta go! Have a wonderful Labor day!!

2011-08-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, somehow I've found motivation to be healthy. I've gone to the gym twice so far this week. I was supposed to go this afternoon, but the baby was really crabby after a morning of errands so I cancelled her appointment in the daycare. I got called back to the daycare yesterday when she wouldn't stop crying so I don't want to push it.

I have a friend who has lost about 20 pounds over the past 6 months. She is by NO means fat in anyway. I think she went from 150 to 130, so now she's super skinny. She works out everyday and usually for a few hours each day. Last week she kind of took me under her wing and worked out with me. She showed me a great upper body work out. We were walking on the treadmill and she told me to up my incline and speed. My initial thought was "oh no way, there's no way I can do that" but SHE didn't know that. She knows that I am capable of doing these things and should be doing these things on a daily basis. I did what she told me to and make it through the work out without dying! My arms were killing me for the next few days, but I DID IT.

That made me really start to think about how I don't give myself enough credit and don't push myself as much as I should be when I work out. I can see why people use personal trainers. They push you because they know you can do it even when you don't know yourself. The personal trainers at my gym are very expensive and I just can't justify paying $90 per hour for a trainer. My husband often complains about the cost of the gym membership so I can't even think about asking him to add a weekly training session to that. I'm just going to have to try to work out with my friend once a week if possible. She's thinking about becoming a trainer so maybe we can help each other.

I haven't seen any improvement on the scale. I know it's because I still don't have my diet nearly where it needs to be. I'm working on it though. I have been putting my food intake into My Fitness Pal on my phone, which does help me at least see what I'm consuming.

Next week my daughter starts kindergarten. She will be going 3 full days a week and 2 half days. I should be able to get to the gym on those full days. I'm excited and happy about getting my butt in gear, finally.

2011-08-24T07:26:00.001-07:00

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Everything went very well. I hate the prep, but that wasn't even bad this time. The worst part of the whole thing was getting a lecture from the doctor IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND about my bad habits. She pretty much told me to grow up and do what I need to do to get rid of my acid issues. Eat better, lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Tell me something I don't know already lady!

She also told me I need to cut out caffeine 100%. I laughed in her face. First of all, I don't drink that much caffeine. Second of all, I've been on diets where my acid is controlled pretty well and I haven't cut out caffeine, so I really don't think that's the issue. I'd like to see her not drink caffeine with a 10 month old baby!

I was pretty embarrassed hearing her lecture me in front of my husband. I wish she wouldn't have done that because now he's going to be the food police. He has no clue about food though so I just find ways around that. He's at work all day so I can pretty much eat what I want. He's also clueless. I convinced him once that Kentucky Fried Chicken was healthy because it was chicken. He has no idea about healthy food. Now I just feel like I have to figure out ways around him telling me what to do which is just wasted energy. It goes along with my previous post about when someone tells me what to do I want to rebel, even if I know it's the right thing to do.

However, I am motivated now to start eating right. I've been telling myself since my reunion that once these tests were done, I'd get healthy. Now the tests are done and the results were good, it's time to take this seriously. I'm ready. School starts in 2 weeks so I will have time to go to the gym. I may even go to the gym today. Not sure yet because the weather is supposed to be horrible this afternoon, including a possible tornado. I should probably plan to stay at home this afternoon because of that. My 10 month old is almost walking and once she does I will no longer need an appointment in the daycare at the gym. I am SO HAPPY about that. I won't need to worry about her schedule and when she's going to nap. When she gets up, we go.

I do have another book to comment about. I just started it yesterday. Remember Geneen Roth? Well, she's written a new book. It's called "Lost and Found" unexpected revelations about food and money. I guess she lost her money because she invested in Bernie Maddoff's ponzi scam. She's tying in her spending habits with her eating habits. I am really interested in that. Not only do I binge eat, I binge spend at times. When I binge eat, I don't sit down and eat a bag of chips, I just eat something when I'm not hungry. I'm not that bad with binge eating. Binge spending is an issue for me. I need to learn how to control that. I'm only on page 27 and it's got me hooked. If I can figure out how to control my impulsive spending and eating I'd be one happy camper!

2011-08-15T05:30:00.000-07:00

Ever get that feeling where you are almost motivated to change your life? You're right there, and you are almost ready to get started? That's how I feel right now. I'm almost ready to lose this weight for good. I'm almost ready to get back to working out. I'm almost there.....

I had blood work taken at the doctor a couple weeks ago. I got a call saying everything was A OK. That means I am NOT pre diabetic! That means my cholesterol is good. Everything is GOOD. This means that if I lose weight now, I might not have done any permanent damage to my body.

Next week Tuesday is a day I am dreading. I scheduled a colonoscopy and a scope down my throat. I have been on acid reducing medicine for over 5 years now and my doctor wants to make sure there isn't any underlying issues causing the acid. And the colonoscopy is because I had polyps when I was younger so they want to check me out every 7 years (I'm 2 years overdue for this one)

My point is, if these tests come back ok, I feel like I might have a second chance. It might not be too late to change my body and not really have any lasting affects (except loose skin) to being overweight for so long. There is always a little voice in my head telling me I am too old to change. That even if I do lose weight, I'll just gain it back like I've always done in the past. Maybe this isn't true. Maybe it's not too late for me.

I know one thing for sure, I will lose weight next Monday. I only get clear liquids all day long! Ugh, I remember the prep being much, much worse than the actual test. I will be completely knocked out so I won't feel a thing, but a day of not eating will be hard.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on this week because I'm not. The weather is beautiful here today so I'm loading the girls up in the stroller and taking them for a walk. If it gets over 80 degrees I'm going to take them to the pool this afternoon. I'm going to take advantage of this beautiful weather and get out and walk this week. I've also got some healthy meals planned this week so this week should be a good week.

Reunion OVER

2011-08-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

My high school reunion was last Saturday night. I was a little sad going in thinking about all the goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year. I am at my heaviest weight this year. Still 30 pounds lighter than the last reunion 5 years ago, but nowhere near where I was hoping to be.

The reunion was bizarre to say the least. I've had 2 days to think about this and how I feel about it. I have been asking myself this question: Is it better to be made fun or or be invisible? I knew nobody would outright make fun of me. We are all adults and I know people are beyond that. However, I felt totally invisible the whole night. Not one person asked me what I did for a living. Only one person asked me where I live now.

When I was initially thinking about it, I felt ignored. But, thinking about it now for 2 days I realized that I was just invisible. I know I am mostly to blame for this. I am not the type of person who can walk up to a group and just jump into an ongoing conversation. I have always been shy and will most likely always have trouble speaking in a group. I just thought someone might come up to me to chat.

My BFF was with me and she's the one who would approach someone and start talking. I was kind of being her shadow and just followed along. The people would say hello to me and then turn to my friend and have a conversation with her and I just faded away.

Like I said it was bizarre. I have never felt so insignificant in my life. I'm not mad about it, I'm just sad. Sad that I'm not the type of person who can just walk up and talk to anyone. Sad for some people who cannot move on from the stereotypes of high school. Sad that I even allowed myself to become invisible. Sad about the whole experience. I wonder if anything would have been different had I lost 30 pounds. Something tells me no, it would have been exactly the same as it was.

My next goal is to be under 200 pounds by the time we leave for Disney World at the end of September. I need to get back on track and I need to do it NOW before I do anymore damage.

Daughter #1 needs to get to bed. I just wanted to update this before I forgot about the reunion.

2011-07-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I keep thinking I want to and then don't. But, it's not because I'm doing badly, because I'm not. I'm maintaining, which I don't think is "bad." It's not what I want to be doing, but I'm not gaining so I consider this a good thing.

A really sad thing happened that I want to talk about. I was bathing suit shopping about 2 weeks ago. They were on sale and I needed a new one so I went to JC Penny. I was looking at the swim suits and an older lady was there too. I'd guess she was in her early 70's maybe? Shorter, plump, gray hair. Anyway, she says to me "Gee, these are kind of expensive. I'd hate to spend that much money on a suit when I won't be this size for much longer." I said something like "Yeah, I know what you mean" and she said "My doctor is testing my thyroid. He thinks there might be something wrong with it since I'm not losing weight anymore. So, I'm going to be in a smaller size when he figures out what's going on"

Wow, how many times have I said to myself when I didn't want to buy another size 18, 20 or 22 because I was going to lose weight and would need a smaller size "soon"? I've been saying this for years! Is it possible that I will be in my 70's saying the same thing? That makes me incredibly sad. Is it possible that I will NEVER be happy with my body? Will I be a 70 year old woman telling myself that any day now I'll be in a smaller size?

It made me realize that I need to do something. I need to figure out how to be happy with my body no matter what size I am. I know that there are health reasons why I HAVE to lose weight. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being happy with the way I look no matter what. Is it possible to like my body at any size? Does anyone like their body when they are a size 18?

I don't want to live out the rest of my life thinking that any day now I will lose this weight for good. I want to find a way to be happy with how I look *now* while striving to lose weight so I can be healthy and play with my kids without getting winded. I'm working on this and if I find any of the answers, you'll be the first to know.

2011-07-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

I was doing very well with my 3 goals until the weekend hit. Then it all kind of fell apart. I just don't have a solid plan in place. That's been my issue all along. I need to commit to a plan and do it. I know this, I've just been looking for a quick fix which does not exist.

My reunion is 4 weeks away and really at this point I won't be able to make that much of a difference in my appearance. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I'm mostly sad that I even care about what the people I went to high school with think. The ones that matter to me have kept in touch and know that I'm not skinny. Why do I care about the rest of them?

I was made fun of all through school because I was shy and overweight. A deadly combination. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have stuck up for myself but I was so afraid to even talk that i was an easy target. I've really come to realize that the people who made fun of me just felt insecure themselves. However, I still feel insecure to this day. Why? I have no idea.

I should probably stop resisting and just go back on Weight Watchers. It did work for me when I did it. I need to accept the slow and steady approach and realize that losing 2 pounds a week is a great way to do it. I still have time before my Disney trip to make a difference in my weight. That is my next goal.

Back to the drawing board

2011-06-27T11:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, so all these quick and easy diets I've been trying are not working. I've wasted a lot of time trying to find a quick fix and I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing worth writing home about.

I've been skipping around reading The Spark. It is written by the person who created Spark People. Anyway, they suggest in this book to start out your first week with 3 very small goals. Easily attainable goals so you can feel proud of yourself at the end of the week. He writes that the "fast diets" work for a week or two but then you burn out. I agree with that because that has happened to me a few times within this past 6 months.

My 3 goals this week are:

#1- drink 8 glasses of water each day

#2- track all the food I eat

#3- do at least 10 mins of some activity per day

Easy enough, right?

The water is a no brainer. I just have to think about it each day because I usually just forget to drink it. Tracking the food will not be "hard" just something I got out of the habit of doing. I have an iPhone so I really have no excuse not to do it. I know the 3rd one sounds easy and it really is. In my brain I think if I can't do 45 mins of cardio it's not even worth doing anything at all. That's not true. If I start out just doing 10 mins and stop, at least I've done something. Even that 10 minutes will burn some calories.

But, if I start out walking for 10 minutes, chances are I will walk more than 10 minutes. I will keep going. It takes me at least 20 minutes to do a whole loop around my sub.

This plan is doable. How can I not succeed by just doing these 3 things? I'll check back in at the end of the week to let you know how I've done.

2011-06-21T09:09:00.001-07:00

Ever notice when a blogger stops blogging it's usually because they are not doing very well? I've noticed that a lot of my favorite blogs have been light on posts lately and they always come back and report that they are struggling. I find this somewhat depressing. EVERYONE I read has had struggles lately. I guess if someone reports that everything is going well all the time I'd be suspicious.

I've been plugging along. Not gaining but not losing. I was thinking about it last week and pretty much figured out what my problem is. As twisted as this sounds, it's what I've come up with. When I was a kid basically everything was out of my control. My dad leaving, my mom dying, living with 3 brothers after that, etc. So now, I need to control everything. I HATE it when someone tells me what to do. (this is where it gets twisted) In having to lose weight, I am telling myself that I must exercise and eat properly. It's what I HAVE TO DO to get healthy. Even though it is ME telling ME what to do, I still want to say "Screw you! I'm going to do what I want" and I eat badly.

By me HAVING to eat healthy and exercise, it is kind of out of my control. I want to do what I want when I want to. I want to eat what I want when I want to. I can't do that and be healthy at the same time. I am sabotaging myself constantly because I want what I want when I want it.

Where does this leave me? I'll tell you. It leaves me weighing over 200 pounds and miserable. I have no idea how to fix it and how to correct my thinking. If I tell myself that I have to GAIN 10 pounds, maybe I'd go the other way!

What I do know is when I see any victory on the scale, I almost immediately sabotage myself. WTF? Why do I do that?

I don't have any answers, but I am actually doing OK this week. I ate pretty well yesterday and worked out. As soon as the baby wakes up I'm going to take the kids on a walk. I'm plugging along wishing I was doing better but it is what it is. I can't seem to find the motivation that I need.

Is anyone out there doing great and actually losing weight right now?????

2011-06-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to take our 8 month old to the hospital for some tests. I knew it was going to be a rough day. So, I lined up a sitter for Monday for both kids and had the afternoon to myself to do whatever I wanted. I did not allow myself to clean the house or do anything that wasn't for *me.* What a concept, huh?

My mind was going wild. Pedicure? Massage? Movie? Hmmm, what was I going to do. You will probably be amazed to find out what I did. I WENT TO THE GYM! I realized that I've been saying for months now if it wasn't for these damn kids I'd be working out. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I dropped off the kids and headed straight to the gym. I did about 50 mins of cardio and then showered and felt GREAT! OMG, I missed working out. I've never really believed people when they say they miss going to the gym. I NEVER thought I would EVER say that. Guess what? I missed going to the gym and felt so good afterwards.

(After the work out I did get a pedicure where the massage chair practically violated me, but I'll save that story for another post)

Today is a new day and I feel great! I'm going to go in my basement and work out when the baby naps. I would try the gym but we haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor about the baby yet. The tech told me "unofficially" that she didn't see any issues with my daughter's bladder, so I'm confident that we will be going to the gym next week. Until then, I am going to utilize all my exercise equipment and get in a good work out. I would just walk outside but it is incredibly hot today. I think it's going up to 94 and I don't want to walk outside in this heat.

The issues with hubby seem to be a little better too. I've borrowed a book from a friend who is going through a divorce. She said if she would have read this book a year or two ago she probably wouldn't be getting divorced right now so I'm going to read it and work on things with him. We had a good talk last weekend and we are both going to try to be less passive aggressive and just say what we mean instead of little snide comments to each other.

8 weeks until the reunion and my goal at this point is to be under 200 pounds. I can do it! I was 214 yesterday (yep, gained a few). That's under two pounds to lose each week. I can do that. I will do that! I'll post a picture of me in my fabulous new dress or outfit I'm going to buy for that night. No waiting until Monday or some random day in the future, today is the day.

I'm going to post a really good quote I read today, take a moment to think about it:

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all Its blunders and tears, its follies and defects. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake In tomorrow, for it is still unborn. With God's help and only one day to concentrate all my effort and energy on, this day, I can win."
~Og Mandino

2011-06-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

This post is probably going to be totally off subject but I just don't give a damn. It all ties in together I guess.

How can 2 people live together and be so out of sync? I just don't get it. I know marriages have their ups and downs but lately mine is down and can't get back up. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately and we can't understand the other person at all. He says I blow things out of porportion and I think he doesn't care enough about anything.

Because of this I've been eating. Tonight was the dreaded pizza. Because I've been on pins and needles with him when he texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted this pizza place we've been wanting to try, I said yes because I thought it would make him happy. I didn't tell him I had already bought 2 steaks and was planning on grilling tonight. I didn't want to cause another fight.

I feel defeated once again. I just can't get out of my slump. Because the baby has some ongoing health issues hubby doesn't want me to take her to the gym because she might gets sick. However, he is unwilling to let me go in the evening after he gets home from work. My other option is to get up at 4:30 AM and go work out before he goes to work.

I really do know that life could be worse. I really try to count my blessing each and every day. There are some days though when I feel empty and know that I need to make a whole bunch of changes. Nobody can do it for me. I need to start somewhere. Just one thing. I'm too scattered when so many things need to be fixed and too overwhelmed. Ok, enough of this. I'm getting tired of hearing me whine......

2011-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have been floundering these past few weeks. Last week was really strange. I did nothing as far as diet and/or exercise and I lost 2 pounds. I was kind of mad about that. I can diet and exercise my ass off and not lose weight and I do nothing and lose weight. It's the randomness that makes me mad. You'd think with hard work and exercise it's a no brainer, the weight would come off.

I have no real reason for floundering except for being busy. My daughter's last day of school was yesterday so I was busy with the end of the year stuff. Tonight is graduation and tomorrow is the picnic and then I really have no excuses.

I still like the 17 day diet as far as easiness to follow. I seem to do well on diets that are easy to follow and don't take much thought.

I was thinking this morning that until I learn to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life I will never be where I want to be. I was contemplating eating something not healthy this morning because I'm not following a plan or anything right now. It just dawned on me that I will not have success until I stop thinking this way. I need to learn that ANY healthy eating is good eating, no matter what diet I'm on.

I can't tell you how many times I think "Well, today is shot anyway so why not just have that pizza?" I should be thinking "I haven't made such good choices today so I should eat something healthy for dinner." WHY is this so hard to do? Honestly!??!!? I am not stupid. I know this stuff. I know how to lose weight. I know how to diet. WHY do I make this so difficult in my mind?

I really think that if I can get my thinking right, the weight will just come off. I have the knowledge to lose weight. I just need to follow through with it.

I'm just not feeling it right now. I want to lose the weight. My reunion is fast approaching. For some reason I just don't care right now. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks. But, I also have only gained about 2-3 pounds back. I haven't completely thrown in the towel. I am trying to be good here and there. I could be doing so much better though.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I go in thinking that if I can write about my issues I can fix them. I don't have any great insight to share today. I wish this was easier. I wish I could just want to eat good and be healthy. Sigh..........

When we plan, God laughs

2011-05-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, my diet has been non existent since Monday. I was going along great on the 17 day diet (cycle 1) and then the baby got sick.

She's been under the weather for a while now but at the end of last week she got worse. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she said to just wait to see what happens. They don't want to give antibiotics as much anymore. If you give the wrong one, you can mask a condition that might be more serious. Anyway, she got worse and by Monday her fever was 104.

We went to the doctor on Monday morning and she advised us that Macy had to go into the hospital. She had an infection that required IV antibiotics. Talk about being scared out of my mind. I just started crying at the doctors office. She felt so bad for me. As she's trying to explain what was going on I was just crying.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we were in the hospital until yesterday. The antibiotics did their job and she is much better today. We still have some tests to do to find out why she got the infection in the first place, but she is MUCH better today.

So, I did learn one thing through all of this. I was laying in the hospital bed with Macy and looking up at the IV thinking "I don't want to go out this way" I don't want to die and have the last thing I see an IV bag and a hospital room ceiling when I die. Basically, all the crap and bullshit I complain about doesn't mean shit. I'm sorry, it's true.

When you get down to basics, your health is the ONLY thing you should be concerned about. If you don't have that, NOTHING else matter. I'm ready to get HEALTHY. Not skinny, not a number on the scale. Just good health.

I have more to say but the baby is crying. I will finish this thought in my next post!

No more excuses

2011-04-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

After my last post about how I didn't want to do the 17 day diet, guess what I started 2 days ago? Yep, the 17 day diet. Ok, let me explain why.

I was watching Ruby over the weekend. I like the show although she is hardly an inspiration to me. She has been failing miserably with her weight loss. If anything, it just shows how hard it is. She has an excellent team surrounding her and she still can't seem to stay on track. I do feel for her because we are similar in a lot of ways and I know how she feels. Anyway, on the last show I watched her therapist talked about how Ruby lies to herself. How she makes herself feel better saying things like "Well, I'm not doing that badly" or "I can do the diet this way, because I know what I'm doing."

There's a name for what she does, but I can't for the life of me remember it. Anyway, I do that all the time. I tell myself that these diets aren't working. I don't tell myself to look at what I'm actually doing to see that the diet is just fine, it's ME who's not following it the way I should be. I can justify anything away.

-I don't work out because of the baby.

-I can have a "cheat day" and it won't hurt my diet efforts.

-I don't have time to do a proper diet.

The list goes on and on. I constantly let myself off the hook. I constantly lie to myself. Instead of holding myself accountable for my actions, I make up little lies in head to make it all ok. My one friend calls them excuses, I call them lies. What is the difference? I'm trying to fool myself and at the time it works. But, then when the numbers on the scale say something different, I get mad and quit.

If my daughter had a health problem that required a certain diet, I'd be damn sure to get it done. I'd make the time to prepare whatever needed to be prepared. I'd make the time for anyone else in my family. Why can't I do that for myself? I need to take better care of their mother so I will be around for them when they need me. My mother wasn't around for me. I know how hard it is growing up without a parent. I need to make myself a priority again.

So, the 17 day diet it is. I wanted to do it again because I feel good physically when I'm on it. I have an awful problem with acid reflux and it doesn't bother me when I'm on this diet. I'm giving it a real shot this time. It can be time consuming preparing the foods and planning the meals, but what diet isn't? I've got to make this work. I've got 3 months until my high school reunion. I've still got time to make a real difference in my weight if I do it now. No more excuses.

Trying to decide what to do

2011-04-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

My friend wants to try the 17 day diet starting on Monday. She's going through a really rough patch with her husband (soon to be ex) and wants to lose some weight so she can get some confidence in herself. I told her I would do it with her to support her. However, I don't really think that's the right thing for me to do right now.

I have another friend who has been going to Weight Watchers for months now. She's over 300 lbs and so far has lost 30. She's consistently losing 2-3 pounds a week. IF I would have started WW (the old plan) and stuck with it Jan 1, I'd probably be down over 20 lbs by now.

Instead I've done Phase one of the South Beach diet, the 17 day diet and the new WW points plus diet. Where am I? About 3 pounds down from my weight Jan 1. I'm like the hare in The Turtle and the Hare story. I want a quick fix. Had I taken the turtle's approach, I'd be half way to my goal by now.

I was looking back at my old WW books and was reminded that I lost 40 pounds on the old WW diet. I think I should go back to that and be happy with a pound or two a week. Obviously these quick fixes aren't doing it for me. I do great for a few days but then want whatever it is I can't have and go crazy. Actually the 17 day diet was the easiest of them all, but I couldn't keep up with all the planning.

I also need a plan where I can have frozen meals. There are days when I don't have time to chop up a salad or grill a chicken breast. There are many days when I'm feeding the baby and eating a frozen WW meal at the same time. I need a plan (right now) that will give me that flexibility.

I guess I need to just tell her that the 17 day diet isn't for me right now. I'm tired of trying all these things that aren't working. I need to make a life style change and I think WW will help me do that in the long run.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. The baby got sick after her first week there and still is very congested and stuffed up. I'd forgotten how long it takes babies to get rid of a stuffy/runny nose because they can't blow their noses themselves. I'm hoping to get back soon. I was really getting into a nice little routine there for a week.

My niece is staying with us this week so that's also throwing off my schedule. I would love to get in a couple of work outs this week and I'm going to try my best to do just that. We got a few inches of SNOW here on Monday. I wish Spring would come to stay. I want to walk outside and take the baby in the stroller. She loves it and when I have both kids in the double stroller I get twice the work out because I'm pushing 60 pounds between those 2 kids.

I'm hanging in there. I could be doing better, but I could be doing worse. I think I've made my decision to start WW on Monday. Of course, why should I wait? Why don't I start it tomorrow? I have a big Easter dinner planned, so I can take Sunday off, but I shouldn't blow this week because Monday is the typical day we all start diets. So, my plan right now is to start WW right NOW!!

2011-04-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

I am doing much better than I was the other day. I'm not doing anything other than paying attention to what I'm eating. I have lost 2 lbs, but I'm sure that was water because I ate so bad during my "bender." When I eat out I get so much more sodium than when I prepare my own meals.

I did have one realization though that has made me happy. I watch the shows on people who are grossly overweight. Shows like Ruby and the 5 ton man, shows like that. I have always though that I could easily be one of these people. However, I have realized that I will NEVER be one of these people. The reason is because I refuse to give up.

I think that a person who reaches 700 lbs has given up. They feel that there is nothing they can do to lose weight. I know this isn't true for myself. Yeah, it might be difficult. Yeah, I might fail. But, when I do fail I get up and try again. I may whine and complain a little before getting back up, but I ALWAYS get back up and try again.

I refuse to believe that I will be fat for the rest of my life. I will find what works and stick with it. It will happen. I have a shirt that I got from the Kennedy Space Center that says "Failure is not an option" and I'm really starting to believe that. It doesn't mean I won't have bad days that are filled with bitterness and resentment that I can't be a person to eat what I want when I want. As long as I keep getting up, brushing myself off and trying something new, I'm doing OK.

I have come a long way. I need to keep reminding myself that 4 years ago I was about 254 pounds. Today I am 214. That's 40 fricken' pounds! That awesome! Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I've come a long way and I will continue to lose weight. I know it's taken a while to get to this point, but in that time I've had another baby and life has certainly gotten in the way. As the baby gets older and older it will be easier for me to work out and take time for "me" which is just not an option right now.

I haven't given up. Far from it. I'm going to continue to fight this battle with weight and I will win. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of my life!

2011-04-11T07:29:00.001-07:00

Today I realized (again) that I am just like an alcoholic. I'm addicted to food. I went on a bender this weekend and gained back everything that I lost. This really makes me feel defeated. Like and alcoholic, it started with just one "bad" food and just went downhill from here. 2 fricken' weeks of hard work down the crapper. I really have nothing positive to say except, back to the drawing board.

Instead of leaving you with depressing thoughts again, I thought I'd leave with a picture of my beautiful girls. When I look at this, I really have nothing to be depressed or sad about:

2011-04-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

I just got home from a card making party and everyone is in bed, fast asleep. I think this is the first time in about a year that this has happened. My husband is MUCH more comfortable with baby #2 then he ever was with baby #1. I am so thankful that I can actually go out every once in a while and enjoy myself without worrying what's happening at home.

I have some good news, and some bad news. First the good news: I have worked out 3 times so far this week and plan to go to the gym tomorrow so that makes FOUR work outs in one week! WOO HOO! That's been my goal for months now and I'm so happy I've finally achieved it. I know I have many more work outs in my future, but just to get one solid week under my belt feels really good.

Now for the bad news: I haven't been doing wonderful on my diet these past 2 days. It's not that I've been horrible, it's just that I've been slacking. For instance, last night my turkey meat was still frozen so it was hard to make the burgers I was planning on making. I made sloppy joes instead. I ate mine on a bun, which I'm not supposed to eat these first 17 days. Tonight I went to this party and started to get a little hungry and ate some of the food there. None of which is on my diet. I haven't totally pigged out, but I'm not being that good either. I can think of about 5 or 6 things I've done wrong over these past 3 days and because of that, I've gained a pound.

I know in the grand scheme of things, a pound isn't much. However, I feel like I keep gaining and losing the same pound. I swear, if I were to keep track of all the weight I have lost and regained and re-lost, I'm sure I've lost well over 100 pounds this past year.

But, I also know that this is a long process. I will have good days and I will have bad days. These past couple of days have been bad, but I know the next few days will be good. Tomorrow I will sit down and plan my meals. I will go shopping and have all the foods I need in the house. I will also work out 4 times next week so if I do have something I'm not supposed to have, it won't really matter because I can burn it off.

I seem to do well when I can stay home and not go out. This past week my daughter had Spring Break from school so we were on the go most of the week. That is hard for me because I don't pack the necessary snacks and get hungry while we are out running around. I am going to start cutting up veggies and put them in baggies so I can grab them and go.

My goal for the coming week is to get down to 210. This morning I was 213. That's up a pound from my lowest (since having the baby) of 212. I can do this. IF I stick to the diet 100%, I can do this. The following week is going to be a challenge because my niece from Virginia is going to be staying with us and at the end of the week (Easter weekend) her parents will arrive and spend a few days. That tends to be an eating fest in my house.

Which leads me to another point I will explore later, but I tend to show my love for people with food. I do it with everyone and have always done it. I cook for them. I bake for them. This is how I show them I love them. WHY do I have to use food in this way? So, whenever we have company staying with us from out of town, I stock my house up with junk food. Comfort food. Anything "bad." I need to stop this behavior. I need to figure out why I do this and stop.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will not dwell on all the things I've done wrong. I'm looking forward to a day of good eating and exercise tomorrow. 210 here I come!

Week #1 done

2011-04-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

My grand total of weigh loss for Monday-Friday is 3 pounds. I am happy with that. I am down to 213 which is a half a pound less than my pre pregnancy weight. I haven't really felt like I've been dieting and when I do feel hungry, it's my own fault for not preparing ahead of time. That is my biggest downfall, not having things ready to eat and paying attention to when I eat and when I will need to eat again.

On Friday night my husband and I actually had a sitter so we went out to eat. I had pizza and dessert and didn't regret one bite. We don't often have a night without the kids, so I took full advantage of it.

I think I've finally, fully realized that I need to incorporate whatever diet I'm doing into my lifestyle. If I don't, I can lose all the weight in 17 days, but I will go right back to eating the way I did prior to the diet and gain it all back. I'm sick of that. I can't tell you how many times I have lost this same 3 pounds. I would be at my goal (and then some) if I could just lose and not regain anything.

I'm following the basic rules of the 17 day diet, but I am not following it 100%. I couldn't find sugar free yogurt at the 2 stores I went to so I got the lowest sugared yogurt I could. I could not find acidophulus milk so I am using Sugar Free cream in my coffee. If that means I "only" lose 3 pounds in 4 days, I'm happy with that. I don't need to lose 10-14 pounds in 17 days. If I lost 6 or 7 I'd be THRILLED.

My first goal is to get to "onederland." (From Biggest Loser) "Onederland" means you weigh somewhere in the 100's. I haven't been in the 100's in over 10 years. If I can get there in a month or two, I will be ecstatic. Since my ultimate goal is 175, that means I will only have 25 more pounds to lose. I can't even remember the last time I've had less than 50 to lose.

I also realized yesterday that I am out of the woods as far as post partum depression goes. At about this time after having my first baby, I had already gained 40 pounds. This time around, I am below my pre pregnancy weight. I think I can stop worrying about blowing it this time. I've already proved that I won't blow it.

And now for the biggest news. I WENT BACK TO THE GYM! I've worked out twice since Friday. On the first day I got about 25 mins into my work out and got called out to change a poopy diaper. I was short of time that day so I just showered afterwards and went home. (PS- I actually had time in the shower to shave my legs AND condition my hair since the baby was in the daycare. That never happens since I've had the baby) Today I got in 45 minutes of cardio. The baby is doing SO WELL in the daycare. I am thrilled. It's a little nerve wracking for me because I have to schedule appointments for her to be watched and it's hard to tell form day to day what is a good time for her. Today I thought for sure she would fuss because she needed a nap, but she was fine.

I finally feel like I'm on the right track and will be at my goal by the end of the Summer!

2011-03-30T06:21:00.000-07:00

Today is day #3 of the 17 day diet. I am doing pretty well I think. I am not weighing myself until Friday so obviously I don't know if I'm losing any weight, but I've been following the diet and it's not that bad. Having the fruits before 2 pm really help with my sugar craving. However, I do have to confess that I made some Sugar Free Fat Free pudding and I've been eating that for dessert. Just one serving each night, so 80 calories I think. It's ok. If I only lose half of what the books says I'll be happy.

Have you seen the movie "Fathead?" OMG, I just watched it over the last 2 days and it's a real eye opener. If you liked "Supersize Me" you'll like "Fathead." Well, maybe I should take that back because the guy in Fathead basically shows that the guy who did Supersize me was full of crap.

I didn't like Supersize me. I thought the guy was overdramatic and wasn't realistic. I don't remember much more of the movie, so I'm going to watch it again in order to have some examples of why I thought that because I don't remember specifics at this time. (If you have Netflix, both movies are on that)

Anyway, the guy in Fathead basically says that eating animal fat is not a bad thing. That we ate it for hundreds of years and were healthier than we are now. He says A LOT in this movie and of course talks to "experts" who back up his claims, but it was a real eye opener for me. Basically, he went on a fast food diet for 30 days (actually 28) and lost weight. He didn't gorge himself on food like the guy in Supersize me did, but he did eat a lot of burgers. What he did was keep his calories to 2000 a day and his CARBS to about 100 a day. His main point is that CARBS are the enemy, NOT fat. Hmmmmm. When you watch it, it makes sense.

It does make me feel better that I am on the right track with what I've been eating. The 17 day diet is a very low carb diet, but it's also low fat.

In a future post I will give more info about both movies. I just wanted to make sure I recommended seeing Fathead before I forget! Yes, I have mommy brain! I forget everything!

2011-03-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I failed miserably yesterday. I went to a charity scrap book event and the food and drinks were coming all day long, and boy did I take advantage. I paid $30 to be there so I had to stuff my face! At least that's what I kept telling myself. I felt physically ill when I left there at 10 pm and was ill most of the night. It has been a long time since I have eaten like that and I hope it's another long time until I do again. Ugh.....

And, I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but I'm going to try ANOTHER diet. Sigh....... The story of my life right? This one is the 17 day diet that Dr Phil has been promoting. I wasn't going to buy the book. I have a TON of diet books and no matter how intrigued I was, I wasn't going to give in. Then I got a $20 gift card to Barnes and Noble that expired on April 1. I went to the website to redeem it and there is was. The 17 day diet book. So many people on Dr Phil have had success so it's gotta work right? I gave in and bought it dammit. At least I didn't spend "my money" on the book.

The 17 day diet is 4 cycles of 17 day diets. Each cycle has a different diet you follow. (I haven't read the whole book yet, but have skimmed though and gotten the basics) Cycle 1 is called "Accelerate" It's supposed to make you lose weight quickly. Supposedly new research is finding that losing weight quickly is the best way now. I won't go into all the why's of everything, I'll just give you an overview of the diet.

Cycle 1 is a lot like the South Beach diet only I can eat fruit! YES!! And Fat Free Yogurt! YES!!! However, I have to eat the "low sugar" fruit by 2 pm everyday. That will give my body the rest of the day to burn off the sugar. The yogurt is to give your digestive system probiotics. There's lots of reasons we need those and thank goodness I like yogurt now. I was thinking that if I could only have fruit on the South Beach diet I would have done well on Phase one. Well, this seems to be the answer to that complaint. We'll see how it goes.

I won't be starting the diet until a week from tomorrow. We have to go out of town for a funeral on Tuesday and I am not even going to attempt to do such a strict diet while out of town. I will only be gone for one (very long) day, but then when I get back I need to get the foods and finish the book so I fully understand what I will be doing. If I am able to start it sooner I will, but I'm not going to put pressure on myself to start it sooner.

Another thing that I will have to do is exercise at least 17 mins each day. That is going to be a tough one. Not the 17 minutes, but EVERYDAY.

The baby is crying so I have to go. I will update on my progress once I start the diet. Wish me luck!

In limbo

2011-03-15T15:30:00.001-07:00

I'm kind of in limbo right now as far as my diet goes. I'm tracking my food but I'm not really on a "diet." I don't know what my problem is. That no carb diet just really put me off diets in general.

I read a lot of blogs about food and dieting and it's really depressing how just about everyone has their ups and downs. Mainly downs lately. I wonder if it's the weather or what, but nobody is doing great. Maybe it's that everyone is busy right now and just doesn't have the time. I know I keep thinking that "tomorrow" or "Monday" things will fall into place. It's not happening though.

I don't really have much to say, I'm just floundering right now and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's hard to muster up the enthusiasm or motivation to do anything at this point and I'm not sure why.

2011-03-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I blew it. Not totally, and I actually don't feel bad about it at all, but I stopped the no carb diet today. I was supposed to go through Monday, but I stopped today. I stopped because I felt physically ill today. Not in a crabby, whiney way. But I felt nauseous and sick all morning. I couldn't tolerate another egg. I am not a fan of eggs anyway, but eggs are all I've been eating for breakfast for 11 days. I really struggled with this over the past few days. I have been miserable and crabby. I have no idea why week #1 was easier, but it was.

I wanted to quit 3 days ago. I was ready to kill someone. But, I stuck with it and pushed through all those feelings. Today was different though. Today was a physical feeling, not emotional. I knew that this wasn't working for me anymore. I've lost a total of 5 pounds and I can't see me losing another 5 over the next 3 days.

My friend told me that I shouldn't feel sick when trying to get healthy. I should feel good and energized. At least physically. I know dieting isn't easy, but she's right. I should feel better physically, especially after 11 days. I feel good about my decision to stop. I gave it a lot of thought and didn't want to blow my whole weekend feeling bad.

Back to the drawing board. I did learn a few things from doing this. One is that I do an awful lot of mindless munching. When I get my daughter chips, I pop one in my mouth. I grab handfuls of various foods here and there that I don't need. Another thing is I realized that I don't *need* carbs, especially the candy variety. I haven't had anything sweet in 11 days and I missed fruit the most. I ate a banana today and it tasted so good! So I will be limiting my intake of desserts from now on. I've actually gone days without the sugar free variety simply because I forgot to eat them. I haven't proven that I don't need a fourth meal each day called "Dessert."

I'm going to continue eating healthy this weekend and either starting the old WW program or counting calories on Monday. Keeping track of what I eat does work as long as I DO IT. I need to start measuring things, like coffee cream and counting out chips. I would much rather do that then give up all carbs again.

I know I stopped early for the right reasons. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I don't feel like I have in the past when I've given up on various diets. I think that I gave up for the right reasons and I'm not going to go out and binge this weekend. I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm just giving up on losing weight by not eating any carbs.

I am also happy to report that I worked out today. I have realized that working out must be a part of my whole effort to lose weight. I got about 28 minutes in before the baby started crying. I have to try each day. I might get 20 mins one day and 45 the next. Even if I only get 20 it's something and I can always continue after my husband gets home from work and do another 20 mins. I have to figure out how to do it and again, I'd rather bust my a$$ working out then giving up carbs. Yes, it was THAT hard!

One last thing. I'm getting an iPad 2 today and couldn't be more excited! I've wanted one for a while but my husband wanted to wait until the "second generation" came out. He's on his way to the Apple store now to wait in line to get it. This weekend is going to be fun playing with that and working out each day. I feel good right now, much better than I've felt for the last 2 weeks.

Have a great weekend and please keep the people that were affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan in your prayers! As much as I complain about being overweight, I am safe, my family is safe and I am pretty damn thankful for everything that I have!

Day #4 of Phase 1 of South Beach

2011-03-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

I really can't believe this. I'm waiting for some kind of withdrawal. I'm having NO withdrawals at all. Either my body has stored up so much sugar it's still burning it (LOL) or I wasn't as addicted to sugar as I though. I was eating a lot of sugar though. Not only candy and sweets, but breads and other "bad" carbs.

This diet is not "hard." It's only more time consuming because I actually have to make my meals. No drive thru's or processed foods. I'm not used to making all my meals and that took some adjustment.

And now for the big news..... I am down 3.5 pounds since Tuesday! Yep, I am SO HAPPY about this. This is the kind of results I wanted from WW. I realize this won't continue on a daily basis. Eventually my weight loss will slow down. But, with the radical changes I've made cutting out carbs, I expected big results and so far I'm getting them. Seeing the numbers go down on the scale makes it easier to follow this diet.

The weekend might be tougher because my husband will be home, but so far he's been eating whatever I give him. He hasn't complained about not eating carbs at home. I have a feeling he's been stocking up on them all day at work, but he doesn't really have any weight to lose. I told him not to tell me if he does lose weight. I will be pissed if he loses 15 lbs just from eating healthier dinners. Men are like that. They just think about losing weight and drop 5 lbs.

Today is a good day and I'm looking forward to seeing the numbers continue to plummet on the scale. I am ONE pound away from my pre pregnancy weight. I should be there by Monday!

Day #1 of Phase #1 of the South Beach diet

2011-03-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

Well, it's almost bedtime and I have survived day 1 with no carbs. This diet is a "low carb" and low fat diet, but the first phase is basically no carbs.

It was about 1:00 I realized how much mindless eating I have been doing. Because I was restraining myself today, I didn't just pick little things up and put it in my mouth. I really didn't think I did that. I know I ate when I wasn't hungry, but I didn't realize just how much mindless eating I was doing.

I also hit a snag about lunch time. I let myself get too hungry and was afraid to eat because I wasn't sure what I could eat. The "letting myself get too hungry" was because I hadn't gone to the fruit market yet and didn't have the vegetables to make lunch. Then when I got home the baby needed to be fed so I had to wait. Because of this I felt weak, but I ate my salad with tuna and felt somewhat better. About 20 mins later I still felt hungry so I had a stick of celery with some Laughing Cow cheese and a handful of cashews. After that I felt much better.

I haven't been having a strong desire for carbs. Sure, I'd love a cookie that I have in the kitchen, but I'm not going to do it. I wish I could clean my house out of the sweets, but I do have a 5 year old and a husband that aren't fat. I really thought I'd be a big crab ass by this time of day #1, but I'm not.

Today is March 1. I was supposed to go to the gym and get my membership back. I'm still nervous taking the baby there, but I really shouldn't put it off any longer. She will get used to it. Today I felt too weak to work out. (Yea, another excuse but this one is really true) I think after a few days of getting used to this diet, I will be able to work out.

One thing I can already tell is that once I can go back to eating carbs, I'm going to choose the "good" ones. I have a feeling I will be able to have a piece of fruit to satisfy my craving for sweets instead of a cookie. Right now a strawberry would taste just as good to me as a piece of candy. That's progress!!

2011-02-26T14:18:00.000-08:00

Well, my experiment was a total flop. I ended up gaining a pound. A friend told me the plan to eat when you are hungry and stop when full makes sense when you are maintaining, but to lose you need to diet. I guess she's right although I hate to admit it.

I've known for a while that I am addicted to carbs. I crave sweet things. I don't really "binge" but when I overindulge, it's with sweets. And by overindulge, I will eat 3 or 4 pieces of candy instead of one or two. I'm not one to sit down and eat a whole box of anything. I eat when I'm bored and I overeat when I let myself get too hungry.

I'm saying all of this because on Monday (famous last words) I'm going to start the South Beach diet. I've done it before, a few years ago. I re-read the introduction and it sounds like the diet for me. Here is what it says for Phase 1:

"Phase 1 is for people who have a substantial amount of weight to lose or who experience significant cravings for sugar and refined starches. During this phase, you'll jump start your weight loss and stabilize your blood sugar levels to minimize cravings by eating a diet rich in healthy lean protein (fish, chicken and lean cuts of beef), vegetables, nuts, reduced fat cheese, eggs, low fat dairy, and good unsaturated fats, such as extra virgin olive oil. You'll enjoy three satisfying meals a day, plus at least 2 snacks, and you'll even be able to have some desserts. What you won't be eating are starches (bread, pasta, and rice) or sugar (including fruit and fruit juices). While this may be hard at first, remember that in just 2 weeks you'll be adding many of these foods back into your life. Exercise during all phases is important to your overall health and will improve your results."

This sounds like exactly the type of plan I need. I'm a sugar addict and I need to break my addiction. Especially since I have such a high risk of diabetes in the future, if I don't have it already.

2011-02-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

Something very strange is happening. Last week I stopped keeping track of my food. It began innocently enough. I had no time and I wasn't doing it on purpose. One day turned into two and two into three. You know how that goes. Then on Thursday I weighed myself and was at my lowest weight yet (since the baby was born.) I was shocked. Just watching what I ate and not stressing about it was working. I was ecstatic and surprised. Since then I have stopped keeping track. I'm not obsessing about everything I'm putting in my mouth. I am making good choices and stopping when I'm full.

Yesterday and today have been a little challenging because I feel hungrier for some reason. I'm snacking a little bit more and feel hungrier. I made ribs over the weekend and know that I had to have gained so I've decided to wait until Thursday to weigh myself again. I'm going to see if this is still working or if that was a fluke. I would really love to report that it's working and I'm going to stop thinking about everything I eat constantly. I'm just getting tired of worrying about it. I can't see living the rest of my life like this. I have to learn to control how much I eat and try to eat healthy most of the time. That's the bottom line.

Another thing I need to report is I exercised yesterday! I tried the Zumba for the Wii and I played some Just Dance 2. I HATE dancing. I hate dancing because I am not good at it. However, in the privacy of my own home and with nobody watching, it's FUN! Especially when I can dance to songs I know. The Zumba was hard. It was work. I don't think it's as fun as everyone says it is, but it beats a "regular" work out. It's something different which is always good I think. It's not something I'll do on a daily basis, but I know I worked hard for those 20 mins I did the intermediate work out. I will continue to do it.

I will report back on Thursday to say if my new "plan" is working. I really hope it does.

2011-02-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

I am really doing well on my calorie counting diet. I've lost 7 pounds so far since Jan 1. I wish it were more, but it is what it is.

I just keep thinking about how easy it is to count calories. I don't have to pull out a calculator and figure out if I can eat something. For the most part, most of the things I eat have the calorie count on the package or I can easily figure it out.

I may have found my solution for exercise. My friend was over the other day and she brought her Just Dance 2 game for the Wii. We put it in and played and it was really a good work out and it was FUN. I honestly have never thought working out would be so much fun, but it really was. As far as the baby goes, she sat in her chair and just watched us and thought it was the funniest thing. Today I ordered Just Dance 2 and Zumba for my Wii. Between the 2 of those I should be good to go. I'm really excited to get them and start working. I should also say, I am not a dancer. I don't like to dance in front of people. However, this is just so much fun! All of the "exercise" games I have don't really excite me.

I'm certainly not where I thought I'd be going into February, but I'm doing ok. My goal is to start my gym membership in March. Flu season should be pretty much over by then and the rust of new people starting Jan 1 will have thinned out. I just have to get through this month working out at home.

This week is going to be a challenge. My daughter turns 5 on Wednesday and we will have 2 separate cakes. On her actual birthday I am getting a Cinderella cake. The top part is an actual doll and the dress is the cake. I was really happy to find out that it only feeds 4 so I won't have cake hanging around the whole week. Then next Sunday we are having a party for her at a local bowling alley. For that party I ordered a cake that actually looks like a castle. 2 days of cake will not be good for my diet. I guess I need to cut back on the other days so I won't do as much damage. My goal for this week should be maintenance.

I have been really good with tracking my calories on my phone. I input everything I eat and usually stay around 1700 calories a day. Sparkpeople says I can eat 1900-2000, but I don't ever eat that much.

I just wanted to check in and report that I'm doing well. I don't have anything exciting to report unfortunately. Have a good week!

Bye Bye Weight Watchers

2011-01-28T07:05:00.001-08:00

Maybe not forever, but goodbye for now. I'm done with Weight Watchers for the moment. 3 days ago I started counting calories and logging my food intake on Spark People. It's free and it makes sense.

Maybe it's because I do not go to the meetings, but this new program does not make sense to me. I feel like they either got it wrong with the "old" program or have it wrong with the new one. I know they are trying to get people to eat more fruits and vegetables, but it just wasn't working for me. In almost 4 weeks I lost 4 pounds. That is just unacceptable. In the 2 full days I've been counting calories, I've lost a pound. And I know some people may say that 4 pounds is great. At least it's a loss. However, I have 50 to lose. 4 pounds in a month isn't great. Especially at the beginning of a diet. I should have lost at least 6, hopefully 8 which is 2 lbs a week. I'm not looking for Biggest Loser numbers. I'm looking for a slow and steady 2 pounds a week, realizing that I will hit plateaus along the way.

I had this little voice inside of me telling me what I was doing wasn't working and to try something else. However, I was VERY hesitant to stop Weight Watchers. Why? Is change really so horrible? I know people get all excited about the diets that work for them and think they will work for everyone, but they don't. Plain and simple. If there was one diet that worked there wouldn't be thousands of diet books out there. Maybe it was the fact that I paid money to do Weight Watchers online. I don't know, but whatever it was, I finally took the leap and for now my WW books are in a drawer as well as the new Points Plus calculator that didn't work very well to begin with.

I'm optimistic that I will succeed with calorie counting. I have not given up and I will not give up until I reach my goal. Even if I have to try 10 more diets, I will succeed.

It's over. I'm breaking up with you

2011-01-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

You had to know this day was coming. I can't be on this emotional roller coaster any longer. It's not you, it's me.

I cannot wake up every day, take one look at you and let you ruin my day. I can't give you that much power any longer. I need to find other ways to validate my hard work. I don't need to see a number to tell me how I'm doing. I know how I'm doing. I keep hoping you're going to tell me a different story, but you can't do that. You are brutally honest with me. I appreciate that, but I can no longer take it on a daily basis.

I'm not giving up. Not me. I'm pressing on and finding new ways to check my progress. I'm going to try a measuring tape, or pay more attention to how my clothes fit. Anything but you. I'm finally realizing that a number shouldn't define my success. I know I'm doing the best I can and I've realized that I don't need you ruining that for me. I'm not letting you ruin one more minute of one more day!

I'll still stop in from time to time to check in with you. I will miss you dear scale, but not really....

2011-01-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

I'm three weeks into the new Points Plus program and things are starting to look up. As of this morning I have lost 5 lbs. NOT what I'm used to when starting to diet (again.) I usually lose 5 lbs the first week, but I'll take it I guess.

I realized that I am not including any power foods in my meals. I have made and effort to add veggies and fruits to each meal. For instance, I would only eat a sandwich for lunch. Now I eat a sandwich and apple. Or I'd eat a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, now it's a banana and the sandwich. One big thing I've been doing is making mashed cauliflower instead of mashed potatoes. I don't really think it's a substitute, but it will do. I've found that after I'm done eating I feel the same so why not cut the calories where I can.

I'm also trying to get used to the feeling of not being full. I never allow myself to get hungry if I can avoid it, but I also don't stuff myself anymore. It's really and adjustment. I'm used to being pretty full after meals and I don't feel that anymore. It's unsettling at times. I don't even really know how to put it into words but I'm getting used to it.

One other change I've made is giving it time between eating and going for seconds. My husband was pushing me to "finish eating" the other night so he could eat (we were taking turns with the baby) and I explained to him that I wanted to give my brain time to catch up with my stomach. I did end up eating just a little bit more later, but obviously I needed it.

I have not figured out the exercise thing yet. Sigh. I wish I could just do it, but I have a great excuse with having an infant. Speaking of which, she's crying so I've gotta go.

2011-01-14T10:54:00.001-08:00

I am feeling more positive today. I'm back down to where I was last Friday at this time. I was told to give the new program 4 weeks. I'm 2 weeks in so what's another 2 weeks? I still don't know exactly what I did to gain 3 lbs last week. That's the frustrating part. Usually I can pinpoint something I ate and can justify a gain. But not this time.

I am also going to rethink how and when I'm eating my points. I'm one of those people who save the best thing for last. If there's something on my plate that I love, I will eat everything else and save that one thing for last. Sometimes it end up biting me because I'm too full to enjoy that last thing, but it's what I do. I tend to do the same thing with my points. I don't use those "extra" weekly points (49 now with the new program) and I save them all for the last day. Right now I get 34 points a day. 49 + 39 = 88 points. I can conceivably eat 88 points in one day on this plan. How can that be good? It can't.

From now on, I'm going to take part of those weekly points and have a treat mid week. Maybe a glass of wine, or a few cookies. I will deduct them from my weekly points and not save them for the end of the week. This really is going to be a challenge for me. I like to have those banked "just in case." At least that's what I tell myself. Just in case I "need" them. Well, when is that going to be? I am the one in control of my eating. I am the one who decides what I put into my mouth. Unless I know of a party coming up, when will I ever need an emergency 20 points?

One more thing I have come to realize this week is that I am using the baby as an excuse not to work out. There are plenty of women out there that have babies and work out. I have to figure out a way to do it and just do it. I'm not going to wake up one day and the baby will miraculously be on a wonderful schedule and I can work out at the same time each day. It's not going to happen. I will tell myself "The time to work out tomorrow is 2 pm" and that's the time I would work out. However, if the baby is screaming or something comes up and 2:30 rolls around, I will say "Oh well, I missed my time to work out" and I won't do it. How screwed up is that? I have to work on being more flexible. I have to be ready to work out whenever she falls asleep.

Lots of revelations this week, but most of all I think I've realized yet again that I am the one accountable for losing weight. I have to take charge and stop playing the victim. It took me years to get this weight and it's going to take time to get the weight off.

New Points Plus program

2011-01-12T08:42:00.001-08:00

Last week I would have written that the new plan is great and I love it. However, this week is a different story.

Last week I started drinking a TON of water each day. Not only for diet reasons but to up my milk production because I'm breast feeding. I have a feeling I was seeing success on the scale because of the increase in my water intake and not the Points Plus system.

I've been following the plan for a week and a half and as of today I have lost ZERO pounds. ZERO! Nada- nothing!!

I will start out by saying I am frustrated and angry today. This will probably be the tone of this blog. I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I am angry because I have been following the plan to a T. I have been tracking all my food intake. I even had a "cheat" night last Friday, but it wasn't really cheating because I was still within my weekly points. I tend to save my weekly points for one night and then eat something I'm craving like pizza or Mexican food. Sometimes I go over, but I didn't on Friday. I have been drinking more water, but not working out.

I know I can lose weight with diet alone. I've done it before so I don't really think that I haven't lost because I haven't found time to exercise. There are some days I am weak and don't exercise and there are days when the baby is up a lot and I can't work it in my day. I can only do so much. I really just wanted to get the diet down pat, get into a groove with that and then I would really make working out a priority. I haven't been able to find success with this diet yet.

I am not giving up. I am going to pull out my books from the "old" plan and start following that. If that doesn't work, I will find what does work. I will not give up. I can't give up. I do not want diabetes. It is unfortunate that the new plan is not working for me. I might be doing something wrong. I don't know. What I do know is losing weight is hard enough by itself. Why WW felt like they had to make it even more difficult is beyond me. I still feel that they wanted money and revamped the system so everyone would buy the new materials. I hope I'm wrong.

Today is just not a good day. I feel like I've deprived myself for nothing and that makes me mad. I feel like I did my part and WW let me down. Tomorrow might be a different story. Tomorrow I might be down 3 lbs and gushing about how much I love WW. Today I'm just pissed off and ready to try something else.

Happy 2011

2011-01-03T14:56:00.001-08:00

I almost wrote Happy 2010. I need to get used to the fact that another year has started. Being at home with an infant, my days tend to blend together. Adding on top of that hubby being home the last 9 days, it's even worse. He goes back to work tomorrow so life will go back to "normal" after that.

I have the day #1 of a diet feeling. You know that feeling. The "I'm kind of hungry but oh yeah I'm on a diet now and not pigging out every second of the day" feeling. I feel like that. Not necessarily hungry, but like I need to eat. It's going to take a few days to get rid of this feeling.

Today is day #1 of tracking everything I put into my mouth. I haven't figured out how and when to exercise yet, but I need to at least eat properly. I'm not using my extra breast feeding points. I'm not producing much milk and do not feel like I need the extra 11 points a day. If I were producing all the milk the baby needs, then I'd think about it, but I'm not. I've pumped. I know I'm not making much so I'm not going to use the points. Having said that, if I'm hungry and I don't have any points left, I'll eat. I don't think food is the issue. I don't think I'm drinking enough liquids. I forget that I need more water each day to make the milk and that's why I'm not making enough.

Today I've had plenty to drink. I'm stayed within my points and I still have about 7 to go. I'm planning on eating a WW strawberry short cake for dessert. If I need a snack later, I've got some apples. I'm still leery of the "new" WW plan. I had a banana for breakfast and it was zero points. If I have the apple later, it will also be zero points. It's so strange to me and I'm really hoping this works. I'll give it a week. If it doesn't work, I'll go back to the old plan which I know works. It just feels like a lot of work to recalculate points for things I knew the points of before. I hope there is some real technology/science that went into revamping the system and Florine Mark doesn't just want to make more money by making everyone buy all new materials.

I don't have a lot to say other that I feel like I'm back on track and in control. Day #1 is always an easy day. I'm motivated and ready to go. I'll check back on day 7 or 8 and update you on my progress. I'm hoping I'll have even more motivation. OH, and the Biggest Loser starts tomorrow. That always motivates me. Last time I was pregnant so I knew I couldn't do much, but not this time. This time I can lose weight right along with the contestants!

I want a good week or two of being healthy and then I'm going to really explore my addiction to sugar. The more I eat, the more I want. I know I need to do something about that, but I'm also smart enough not to start too much at one time. I'm tracking food and figuring out how to get a work out in. That's enough for a week or two. Once I have a handle on this again, I will work on that. One step at a time and before I know it I will be at my goal!! This is the year!

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-25T14:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! It sure has been a Merry Christmas at my house today. Having a 4 year old has made this Christmas extra special. She is excited about Santa and all the presents she got today. Times sure have changed. I used to be able to just relax on Christmas day and look at the stuff I got and now it's putting toys together and making Christmas dinner. Oh well, I like it better this way.

I think one of the best gifts I got was my new Weight Watchers guides/books and the calculator. I have a few days to go through everything so I'm ready on Jan 1 to start the program again. I haven't been good these past 2 weeks although I have maintained my weight. One of the reasons I've been able to do this is that I got the stomach flu last week and lost 5 lbs. Ever since then I've stayed the same weight. I guess that's good. I did want to lose this month, but I guess maintaining is better then gaining for sure.

My husband is off work this coming week so my only goal is to get into a work out routine. I have to figure out a way to do it. I watched the finale of the Biggest Loser and I can't remember her name (Burgandy maybe?) said that she doesn't want to get up at 5 am to work out, but she does. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it. 2011 is going to be the year that I get healthy.

I went to my brothers house last night to celebrate Christmas and my Sister in Law has lost 140 pounds over this last year and a half. I know there was some supplement she was taking the first few months but she claims she hasn't taken that in a long time. I can't even tell you how consumed I was with jealousy. She was always stick thin when she was younger, but then had kids and piled on the weight. When she was fat, I felt like I could relate to her better. Now she's skinny (and she is skinny) and all I feel is jealousy. I can't even be happy for her which is just terrible.

So, this is the year. It's going to happen. I also got a weight loss book. It's written by Marianne Williamson. She used to be the "minister" at our Church. She ties losing weight in with religion somehow. This was the book Oprah had on her favorite things show. Anyway, the only reason I wanted another weight loss book is because I really liked Marianne. I could really relate to her and really liked going to Church when she was here. We'll see if I get anything out of it. Of course the back of the book gets me all wound up thinking this is going to "be the one" that finally explains to me why I'm fat and how I can miraculously take the weight off once and for all. We'll see.

I hope you have a blessed and Merry Christmas. It truly is a magical time of year if you don't get caught up in all the crap associated with it!

2010-12-13T08:48:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't been posting. The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I don't know what the problem is. I don't understand how I can be all gung ho one day and full of motivation and just let that all slip away the following day.

I think in my mind I'm thinking that it's the holidays and why bother trying to lose weight right now? But, like I've said before, it's just one day, not a whole month.

I think the weather is playing a part in my struggle. I can't go outside because it's too cold and snowy. All the schools are closed today because we got a pretty good snow storm yesterday. I can't take the kids out because it's about 10 degrees outside. I can't go to the gym because my membership is on hold right now because of the baby. Wow, there are a lot of "can'ts" in that paragraph. I guess I just feel bummed right now and I need to pull myself out of this funk and fast.

2010-12-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

2010-12-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

This has been a good week. I signed up for WW online 2 days ago. I haven't had a lot of time to explore the website, but I have gotten the basics of the "new" program. I'm excited about it. Something new always seems to get me motivated. I have also been using the App for my iphone and tracking my points.

My goal is to lose 50 lbs by July 30. This week on Tuesday I had lost 1 lb. Normally I would say "Big deal, one pound is nothing. I can shit one pound" but this time was different. I thought "Hmm, that's great. I'm half way to my weekly goal of losing 2 lbs" I have no idea where that idea came from, but it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. Instead of thinking of the total I need to lose, I'm going to view it as 2 lbs a week. It really doesn't sound like a lot, but after one month thats 8 lbs! After 2 months, that's 16 lbs. That IS a lot. It all adds up and slowly but surely I will reach my goal. Actually 2 lbs a week will take me over my goal, so I have some wiggle room for plateaus and "bad" weeks.

This week I have lost 1.5 lbs. Only a half a pound to go and I will have met that part of my goals for the week.

The other goal I have set is to work out 3 times a week. This one has not been so easy to meet. It's so unpredictable with a baby. Some days go smoothly and some don't. Some nights are easy, and some nights I'm up half the night. I haven't been able to figure out how I'm going to achieve this goal before joining the gym again. It's not that I don't *want to* work out. It's finding the time with a new baby. I'm going to cut myself some slack on this one. I could very easily just give it all up until the baby is older, so if I can manage to stick to the diet I'll be satisfied with that. Not happy, just satisfied. Mid January I will be able to start going to the gym again (with daycare) so if I can't manage to work out at home, that is what I'll do. I'm just nervous to take the baby to daycare in the middle of cold and flu season, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I feel really good about my attitude right now. I wish I could stop the evening sweet binges though. I could be losing more if I could just stop eating after a sensible dessert. I have too much junk in my house. I'm clearing it out a little at a time. I wanted to throw some fudge out last night but my husband wouldn't let me. He said it was a "sin" to throw away food but I know it's really him just wanting to eat the fudge. I told him if he really wanted to keep it, he had to hide it because I couldn't resist it. I couldn't. It's one of those things that I only get at this time of year and just couldn't stop myself from eating it. I have to get foods like that out of the house. My husband will just have to understand that this is what I need to do right now. Once I get some momentum going I will be able to say "no" easier, but for not it's tough.

2010-11-28T10:54:00.001-08:00

I got the "OK" from my doctor to diet and exercise last week. I have had out of town company for a week in my house so it was difficult to start any plan or even to exercise. They left this morning and I have no more excuses.

I spoke with my husband about returning to Weight Watchers meetings and he is not thrilled at the prospect of watching both kids each week while I attend a meeting. I'm not going to vent about how mad that makes me and how I should be able to take 45 mins a week for myself. Because of this, I've been thinking about joining WW online. I am excited about their new program and think I can get all the new information online. I believe it's $69 for 3 months and that will allow me to use all their online tools and get the new plan info.

My only hesitation is starting it now. Would it be totally stupid to think I can actually lose weight throughout the holidays? I don't want to waste the first month because I am not in the right frame of mind to actually lose weight. I've always thought if I just maintain my weight throughout December that I've done good. Could I actually lose weight? Is it possible?? I need to think about that question for a while.

I gained 2 pounds over this past week. I am still not producing enough milk for my amazon baby so I don't think it actually allows me an extra 900 calories a day like some women say. However, I have pigged out. I've been eating crap since I've had guests. I can't blame them, it's my fault. The first half of the week my Sister in Law was here and she is on a diet. She was being good. I was the one who wasn't.

The second half of the week my other sister in law was here and she has a weight problem too. We made a deal to lose 50 lbs by the end of July. We've made this deal before and neither one of us has done it. However, this year she has a family wedding to attend and I have my 25 year high school reunion to attend in August. Will this be motivation enough? If I do it, my husband will by me a leather coat. If she does it her husband will buy her a new outfit. However, if only one of us does it, the other will also buy the one who does it a new outfit. For example, if I lose 50 pounds and she doesn't, I get a new outfit from her and my husband will also buy me a leather jacket. Not a bad deal.

My only obstacle right now is finding the time to work out with the baby. This past week she has discovered that she likes the swing. (Finally!) She will swing and fall asleep in it without a problem. As long as I don't use it too much, I can see dropping my older daughter off at school, coming home and working out while the baby swings.

My husband went back to work last Monday. However, I've had people here to help me get my daughter to school and help with the baby this past week. Tomorrow is the first day I have to do it myself. I'm nervous and scared, but I'll do it. I don't really have a choice. Moms do it all over the world and I can to.

Getting myself healthy will be a challenge, especially with a new baby to take care of. However, I have to make it a priority. I am 42. When the baby is 5, I will be 47. I have to have the energy to run around with her and play with her. Time is ticking. My doctor also told me he'd like to test me for diabetes after the holidays. It's a 3 hour test. I think I'm going to push that back a couple of months and really focus on getting healthy. I guess my first goal should be to pass that glucose test. I kind of have the feeling that it's now or never. I can't keep letting years go by and think that I still have time to get healthy. I really don't. I'm not "old" but I'm not "young" either. Now is the time.

I guess I just answered my own question. YES I CAN LOSE WEIGHT IN DECEMBER. Christmas is ONE day. Not a whole month. I can and will do this. I'm going to sign up for WW this week and get started on the program. My 2 goals this week are to sign up for WW online and to work out 3 times in my basement. I can do this!!

2010-11-18T09:22:00.000-08:00

The baby is 5 weeks old this week. I can't believe it! Time is flying, but in the middle of the night dragging. She is usually up for at least an hour to two each night which is no fun, but around that time she is sleeping well. Last night I got 5 hours in a row.

Last week I came down with a nasty case of mastitis. That's an infection in the breast. I had the chills alternating with sweats for almost 3 days. That was horrible. Thank God my friend from PA was here for the week staying with me and she was a HUGE help. I was able to rest and get better by the time she left. The doctor put me on antibiotics which had side effects that were really nasty. Two nights (last night being one of them) I was up with major acid reflux. It got so bad last night I was throwing up and had esophageal spasms.

The reason I bring this up is that it's a reminder that I need to get my eating under control. The symptoms last night was not due to my eating, but when I go crazy and eat like crap, the same thing (to a lesser degree) happens. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be sick all the time. I want to feel great and healthy.

I have one more week until I can start exercising again. I need to figure out a way to get that done since the baby seems to enjoy little cat naps instead of a nice long nap. It might take a week or two but I'll figure something out. I wish I lived in a warmer climate so I could walk outside.

Baby is up and crying, more later!

2010-11-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

I feel sick to my stomach now. I have this HUGE bag of candy that was not given out at Halloween. My husband took our daughter trick or treating so I stayed home to hand out candy. As soon as they left the baby needed to be fed so I turned off our light and it never got turned back on. Now I have a huge bag of my favorite candy just sitting on my table, calling my name.

I have gained a pound because of that damn candy. I've been snacking on it all day long and I can't stop. HELP! I know I should just throw it away, but then my husband will start lecturing me about wasting food and money. ARGH! Where is my self control????

My stress level is at an all time high right now because my daughter and husband are both sick. This means zero help with the baby at night so I'm the one getting up and taking care of her. It's nice to have someone who can at least rock her to sleep after I'm done feeding her, but I really don't want her to get sick so my husband is staying away from her. Sigh......

I'm feeling defeated right now and powerless. I feel like a loser that can't control herself. Gotta go, the baby is crying!

100th post

2010-10-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

It seems fitting that this is my 100th post. The labor and delivery are behind me and I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

Baby update- this time around is so different from when baby #1 came. I am much more calm and know what to expect. She is the best baby! She is breast feeding like a champ and each night I'm getting more and more sleep. At first she didn't like her bassinet, but these past 2 nights she has given up the fight and started to sleep at night. When you go from getting an hour of sleep a night to 4 hours, it's is pure joy! I used to think I needed 8 hours of sleep to function, but I've found out that 4 hours will do.

I've come up with a weight loss plan. I can't "officially" do any dieting or exercising for 6 weeks, which is fine with me. That will take me to the beginning of December. Right now my plan is to slowly get back into the swing of things throughout December. If I can manage to not gain that month, I will be ecstatic. The holidays are always tough for me, but this year we are going to keep everything low key because of the baby.

I am happy to report that as of last week I am only 10 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight! I am SO HAPPY about that! Even if I just maintain right now for a while, to have to lose only 10 lbs after having a baby is really good. These past 2 days I have been wearing my pre pregnancy jeans. They are a *little* snug, but not too bad.

I am thinking about counting WW points again. I know you can follow the plan while breast feeding so I might do that. Or, I might email the dietician and have her modify the gestational diabetes diet for a breast feeding mom. Both I can do now, although the instructions said not to "diet to lose weight" for 6 weeks. But, I know WW does allow breast feeding moms to follow the plan. I am going to do some research and contact the dietician and see what she thinks. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk production (Yes, I feel like a cow) but I also don't want to make the mistake I made with baby #1 and start gaining weight.

The best news I have to report is I have no signs of post partum depression. I was so worried about that. I feel great. Tired at times and not happy all the time, but that's normal when you are dealing with a new born. I feel nothing like I felt the first time around. I know I need to keep watching for signs, but so far I feel really good. I think the fact that hubby is helping out much more this time around helps too. He was afraid the first time around, but this time he's diving right in and helping.

That's my update. I am looking forward to getting healthy by the end of 2011. My 25th high school reunion is in August so that gives me a target date to hit my goal. I am feeling optimistic and excited about getting back on track and getting healthy. Life is so good!!!

Welcome Macy Anne

2010-10-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

DOB: Wednesday, October 13

Time: 2:41 pm

9 lbs 7 oz

22" long

The labor was really great this time around. Less than 10 mins of pushing. She is pretty darn big so I'm pretty sore. Per Doctors orders no dieting or working out for 6 weeks! YES!!

She is the best baby and breast feeding is going really well. Overall, it's been a great experience. I'm getting enough sleep to not go crazy, but still could use a few more hours per night. I'm not complaining though. It's all worth it.

We have a plan

2010-10-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, I have a plan. I realized today that it's not that I'm being a control freak. It's that I don't think the doctors are paying me much attention or even know themselves what is going on with me.

Today my OB's office called to move up my induction date. The office manager told me that the OB said he'd really like to deliver me sooner if possible. He NEVER told me that. I have always thought he wanted to wait until the 18th to induce me. The reason they didn't schedule me for next week was because they were booked and the doctor didn't have an opening in his schedule. She also told me that the OB would look at my ultra sound results and decide if we should do a c section or not. Whew. I just wanted to know that he understood my concerns and was addressing them. I don't think he's a very good communicator and I wasn't asking enough questions. I guess this just shows me that I need to start sticking up for myself. Nobody is going to do it for me and I need to realize that I am worth the time and effort it takes to answer some questions.

I feel so much better knowing there is a plan in place and come hell or high water I will have my baby by next Wednesday at the latest. I am so excited!!!

2010-10-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

It is so weird for me to get on the scale each day and weigh the same. This must be what it feels like to be in "maintenance mode." I love it. I can go for 2 or 3 days, not weigh myself, get on the scale on day 4 and weigh the same. It's so strange for me that I'm not obsessing about food or what I weigh for one of the first times in my life. I love feeling like this! Besides, I know that the baby is getting bigger, but I'm not. This will only mean good things for me once I have this baby.

I was going to come on here and complain about my doctors and how they can't come up with a good plan for me and how I should deliver this baby. I've changed my mind. I'm not going to type one complain tonight. That's because I am feeling so very thankful right now.

At the beginning of the year I got involved with the bone marrow donor program. There was a local fire fighter who is in his late 30's and has acute leukemia. He has 2 kids and a wife who love him. He had the transplant and was doing well until about a week ago. Things started to take turn for the worse. He's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what is going wrong in his body. I started reading his updates on a very bad day. I had come from the OB and got news I didn't like.

Then it hit me. What the hell do I have to complain about? I am carrying a healthy baby. I have stopped gaining weight. My family is healthy. I am healthy. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will have a new baby. What is my fricken' problem that I can't see everything I have to be thankful for and I can spend so much damn time dwelling on what's not going right? He doesn't know if he will be alive in 2 weeks. I know that I will and I will have a new healthy baby to boot!

I am not going to waste one more minute worrying about what I can't control with this pregnancy. I am giving up control and enjoying being pregnant. I am thankful for everything that I have and all the wonderful people in my life. You should be too!

2010-10-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

Saw the OB yesterday. He won't do anything to help me have this baby until I am 39 weeks. If I don't go into labor on my own, they are going to schedule me for a c section on the 13th of October. The OB is worried about the size of the baby and what could happen if I can't get her out on my own. Without boring you, it "could be" bad, or it could be no problem at all. Since they don't know which way it could go, if I go to 39 weeks they feel more comfortable doing a c section. I'm scared but ok with it I guess. I'm going to do everything in my power to go into labor on my own before then. EVERYONE has told me to have lots of sex, so my hubby is very happy about that.

I was reading an article about weight loss today and kind of had one of those simple epiphanies. Something that I *should* know, but never really thought about. It had 10 tips for losing weight and one of the tips was having cut up/washing veggies within eye site in your fridge. I think about how I have to eat now and how I've gotten rid of the junk for the most part because of the diabetes. When I'm hungry, I automatically reach for the hummus because that's what's there.

If I could just keep this frame of mind going once this baby comes, it will be so much easier for me to lose weight. Imagine your house having NO garbage in it. No candy, no chips, etc. Imagine it being filled with fruits and veggies and good stuff. Now imagine it's 4:00 in the afternoon. You're not quite hungry, but you need *something* to tide you over until dinner. You start searching through your cupboards and see healthy options. You open the fridge and there's more of the same. What are you going to do?

Are you going to drive to McDonalds and get a double cheeseburger? Are you going to drive to the store and get some chips? I highly doubt it. For one, you are not "hungry" you just want a little something. That feeling is not enough for you to get into your car and drive anywhere to satisfy this need. For another thing, is it really worth it? When you really stop to think about it- is it really worth sabotaging your diet just because you want a little something?

So, here's my point. If I've learned anything with this diabetic diet, it's to NEVER let yourself get hungry. That is when we make poor choices. Look for a healthy option when you are just feeling that beginning pang of hunger. Take snacks with you if you have to so you aren't tempted to go through a drive through if that feeling hits. I'm supposed to eat every 2 hours. Do I? No, but I try. But, I haven't gained any weight in over 8 weeks now. This works.

I just need to remember this in a few weeks when I'm sleep deprived and my hormones are going crazy after this baby comes. You'll remind me, won't you??

Baby Update

2010-09-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

No baby yet. It feels like she will never come. I do have news though.

Last week the OB said he would induce me a week early, making me have the baby on October 11. The next day the office called and said they have scheduled my induction for October 18th! It turns out my OB will be out of town the week before my due date. Great. What's with these doctors thinking they can take vacations whenever they want- LOL.

The next day I went to have my ultrasound done and the baby is 8 pounds 2 oz right now! Holy shit! My appointment was later in the afternoon so I couldn't call the doctor to talk to him about inducing me earlier. If I wait until the 17th there is a good chance I will have a 10 pound baby and I really don't want to go through that. I'm going to call the OB and see if he will be willing to induce me a week from Monday. (He does his inductions on Mondays) I'm willing to beg if I have to. I am terrified that I'm going to have a HUGE ass baby!

So, that's my update. I'll hopefully have more specific news next week. I'm driving myself crazy trying to plan this out and I have to just let it go. It's not something that I can control and that's hard for me to deal with. Maybe this is the lesson I have to learn, to be ok with not controlling something that I have no control over.

2010-09-21T08:45:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I don't have much to say. I'm following this diet and not gaining any weight. I'm not working out. My days seem to be getting busier and busier and that's given me reasons to blow off working out. I know I will regret it later.

I know the fact that I am not gaining is why I don't feel the need to work out. However, I know doing some cardio each day will help me when I deliver this baby. I guess I just don't care. I'm still feeling really weak most days from this diet and don't feel up to it. I honestly cannot wait to get back to my "normal" eating. I do think I've managed to conquer my portion control issues. If I can just manage that, I won't put any weight back on after the baby comes.

That is my fear. With my first daughter I put on all the weight (40 lbs) AFTER she was born. I was depressed and ate whatever I wanted to eat. I'd drive to McDonalds almost every day and eat 2 double cheeseburgers and let my daughter sleep. I can't let that happen this time.

I think my mind set right now is "wait until the baby comes and then I'll get back on track." I know it's not the best mentality, but it is what it is. At the most I have 3 weeks to go. I know I won't be able to work out for a few weeks (and my gym membership expires on October 1) but if I can get into some sort of routine while my husband is home, it might make it easier once he goes back to work to stick with it. He'll be home for 6 weeks which will take us to Thanksgiving.

I think it's so interesting that the majority of the blogs I read are stalling as well. Is it the time of year? Are people just getting busier?

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say I'm still alive. No baby yet. I get an ultrasound on Friday to see how big the baby is and then my OB will tell me if they are going to induce me before my due date or not. The appointment was supposed to be today but it was cancelled. I am so bummed! I'm kind of a control freak so I was looking forward to coming up with a plan. I will keep you posted once I know what's going on.

2010-09-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Do you know what scares me? Never being satisfied with how I look or what I weigh. In high school I weighed all of 170 lbs max. I thought I was a fat cow and hated my body.

When I got married I weighed 185 and bought a smaller wedding dress swearing to myself I'd lose enough weight to fit into it. Did I? Hell no. All I did was find out the dress I selected could not be altered and I had to order a new one 2 weeks before my wedding. Talk about stress!

I read so many blogs and so many people look just fine to me. They've lost weight and are still not happy. They want to lose just 20 lbs more or want to fit into a size (fill in the blank.)

What if that is me? I don't want to spend the rest of my life never being satisfied with how I look or how much I weigh. Is it going to be impossible for me to love my body no matter what?

I swore when I turned 40 that I would not spend another decade hating my body. On Sunday I will turn 42 and haven't changed much. I am still not happy with the way I look and want to lose weight. My goal weight is 175. Will that satisfy me? Will that make me happy? Why is my happiness tied to my body and how it looks?

I'm not saying I spend each and every moment hating the way I look and dwelling on the fact that I am overweight. But, each time I pass a mirror I cringe just a little. Then all those thoughts creep into my brain about how I'm letting myself down and how much my life could improve if only I could lose 50 lbs etc.

I don't want to live like this anymore. And, let's say I do get to 175. Will I be happy? Will I just find other things to hate about myself?

I know it's a little silly to think about all this now. I'm 8 months pregnant and let's face it, I can't really diet right now. Even after the baby comes it's going to take me a while until I can really work out and focus on eating healthy most of the time. I just want to love my body so my daughters will know that you don't have to be a size 8 to be happy. You can be a size 28 and be just as happy. Maybe not as healthy, but it is possible to be happy at that size isn't it?

I don't want to pass this legacy down. I want this to end with me. I am very careful about saying anything negative about myself to my daughter. I have never said that I am fat in front of her. I never intend to. When she's in the bathroom and I weigh myself I never even react. When I weight her I cheer her on for whatever she weighs.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. The thought just occurred to me tonight that I might never be satisfied with my body and that makes me incredibly sad. I have so much to be thankful and happy for in my life and to spend any time being sad about a body that is adored by my daughter makes no sense to me. She loves me just the way I am, and by the way so does my husband. I need to give myself that unconditional love and figure out how I got this way so I don't pass it down.

2010-08-30T07:21:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about my diet and exercise lately and trying to figure a few things out. Sometimes typing them out on my blog helps me to understand why I do certain things.

I have not exercised in over a week. I've used the tornado as an excuse, but the gym is back to normal (minus a few trees) and I can go anytime I want. Today is the day. I am going to work out if it kills me. I really need to take advantage of this last month because I will be suspending my membership as of October 1. They do not watch children under 3 months old in their daycare so I'm not going to continue paying for a membership hoping my husband will be able to watch the kids in the evening. It won't happen and I'm not wasting $65/month. I'm not saying I won't work out. I have a bike and treadmill in my basement that are adequate. Quite old, but they work.

Over this past week my sugars have been a little off. It's no mystery why, I probably went out to eat and didn't know the carb count of the foods I'm eating. Overall, I am still doing fairly well. These past few evenings my sugar has been a little high so I haven't had any dessert. It's not even a big deal to me anymore. It's just fact, high sugar = no dessert that night.

Then this morning I was thinking about it and why can't the number on the scale have the same affect on my thinking? If I'm a pound up in the morning, why don't I think about that in the evening and say "No dessert Michelle, the scale was a little high this morning" Why is my sugar count being high enough to stop myself but not the number on the scale?

Is it because what I do now affects the baby and not just myself? Is it because I can't remember what I did 10 hours before and forget the number on the scale? I'm just curious as to why one number has to much power but the other doesn't. I think if I can figure this out, I might be able to crack some of the mysteries of why I eat what I eat and when I eat it.

I've also been thinking about exercise and why I haven't missed it at all this week. Ever since I've been on this diet, I feel weak. My muscles just aren't as strong as they used to be. I'll bet I don't want to work out because I can't do what I could do just a few weeks ago. I am looking forward to the day after the baby comes when I can push myself harder and not wonder if I'm doing any damage to the baby inside of me. Geez, it's not like I'm an Olympic athlete. Me pushing myself is nothing compared to what they do. But, there's always this little voice in my head telling me to take it easy "just in case." I've only got 7 more weeks to go. SEVEN! Did you hear me? SEVEN WEEKS! YIKES!!!!!!!

2010-08-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Opinons are like assholes, everyone's got one and it's damn irritating to me! I saw a different OB today and he gave me a totally different story then the one I saw last week. This one says there is no reason to induce me early and I don't need meds for the GD. Whatever. This is what I get for trying to control and plan my labor! I need to use this as a lesson to just let it go and see what happens. Normally I would but I'm worried about my 4 year old and what we will do if I go into labor in the middle of the night. I don't have family to help so I have to rely on friends which I hate doing.

I haven't been to my gym in over a week. Last weekend we had 2 tornado's touch down close to my house, one took down many of the trees in the parking lot of the gym and their power. They didn't have power for 3 days and as far as I know, no air conditioning. I couldn't talk myself into going once the power came back on. I can't work out in heat. I get sick when I get overheated. If I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't worry as much, but I just can't chance getting sick right now.

I think another reason I'm not really interested in going is because I'm maintaining my weight with this diet. I've actually lost a pound over these last 2 weeks. I think in my brain I think "Why bother working out when I can stay the same weight without out?" I know that working out will make me feel better (I've been unbelievably crabby these last few days) and will help with my delivery of this baby. Why isn't that enough to get my butt to the gym?

I guess there's always a reason to not go to the gym. I will never love exercise. There are people who lose all kinds of weight and then love working out. I don't think that will ever be me. Does it need to be to lose the weight and keep it off? Hopefully not. I don't love eating vegetables and I still do that. There are plenty of things I do that I don't particularly like to do, but I still do them. Maybe that will be how I can view exercise. A necessary evil.

I'm still surviving on this diet. I don't like it and I do crave sugar. I went to a birthday party last weekend and had a piece of cake. The next day I was craving sugar so bad I couldn't believe it. It just shows me once again that I am addicted to sugar and need to really be careful. Once I get over the initial cravings I'm ok, but once I have it again, I want more and more and more.

My daughter starts school in 2 weeks. Time is going to fly by after that and before I know it baby #2 will arrive. Yikes. I need more time...

2010-08-19T17:58:00.001-07:00

I saw my OB today and I'm liking him more and more each time I see him. I told him that my last baby was 8 lbs 9 oz and I pushed for 2 hours and he said "This time you will have a 7 lb 9 oz baby with 25 mins of pushing." I LOVE HIM! Wow, would that be great.

My blood levels are still not good in the AM. I am doing pretty well on the diet and following it so this "problem" is not the result of anything I'm doing wrong. If this continues into next week, he is going to put me on some kind of medicine to take at night to level out my blood sugar.

The most exciting news is that he is going to induce me a week early! Only 7 more weeks to go! WOO HOO!!!! I am happy to have a sooner labor and delivery as well as a smaller baby!

Like I said, I'm doing ok on the diet. My main issue right now is writing everything down. I am not doing that and I really need to. I found 2 different apps for my phone to start keeping track on that to see if that helps. I also need to get to the gym. I have been really busy this week and I have to make sure I keep working out for this next 7 weeks. There is a huge part of me that just wants to hang out with my daughter for these last few weeks and not go to the gym. However, I am a much better mom when I make the time to burn off the stress on the treadmill. I also get 2 hours each day of not being a "mom" and just working out, showering and having a few minutes to read. I think next week will be easier to exercise. This week was just really over scheduled and busy.

I'm hanging in there. My attitude is much better than it was last week. I can get through this and not go crazy. I really miss my sweets, but have found some substitutes that will get me through these last few weeks. I still can't believe that in 7 short weeks I'm going to have a baby. Wow.

2010-08-15T19:04:00.001-07:00

I will never complain about counting points again. I swear, I will be happy to count each and every point. That is easy compared to what I am doing.

I'm not complaining, honestly I'm not. It's good that I have to keep track of everything so carefully. I have not gained any weight in the last week and haven't really had to do much other than follow the diet.

It's the keeping track that's a pain in my butt. For breakfast, I get 2 carbs (30 grams), 1 meat and 1 fat. Then 2 hours later I get a snack of 1 carb and a meat. For lunch, 4 carbs, 2 meats and a fat, for a snack 2 hours later, 1 carb and a meat, then dinner is the same as lunch and then one more snack. Sounds easy right? Well, it's not. Eating six meals a day is not easy. Eating 6 "good" meals a day is almost impossible. When I get up and 2 hours after each meal I check my blood. So far that hasn't been that bad. 80% of the time I am within my range of where I'm supposed to be. When I'm not, it's pretty obvious as to why.

I've had to make some changes in what I eat as well. I love my sweets. I haven't been buying the WW sweets as much because I'm concerned about chemicals in the "fake" foods. But, I can't give up sweets altogether so I bought some WW desserts today. I tried making some low sugar cookies from scratch yesterday but they weren't that good and my sugar level was high this morning so I've decided to go for the "fake" foods until the baby comes.

Ok, so I guess I'm complaining a little bit. I don't mean to. I do feel better about this whole diet now that I've gone to the grocery store and found some good things I can eat. I will get the hang of it and I'm hoping some of this knowledge will stick in my brain so after the baby comes I can stay on track with healthy eating.

I've also realized that sometimes having 2 full fat cookies is better than 5 or 6 "diet" cookies. I guess I'm learning what's worth the calories and carbs and what's not. Maybe this will be the end of my mindless eating. I have to figure out EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth now. Will I be able to just shove in food without thinking about it later on after the baby comes? I sure hope not. I sure hope I remember how inconvenient this diet is right now and learn from this and not go back to my "old" habits. Maybe there is a reason I get to deal with gestational diabetes and will learn some valuable lessons. Again, I sure hope so.

2010-08-12T16:48:00.001-07:00

I had my diabetes class and visit with the nutritionist yesterday. I have to say, it left me sad, confused and just plain old pissed off. I would much rather count points or calories then everything else they expect me to do for this diet.

First of all, I have to prick my finger and test my blood FOUR times a day. And it's not just any old time (ie mid day or evening,) it's 2 hours after I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also have to take it first thing in the am. I don't like keep track of every little thing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- the doctor is the motivator of last resort. I kept hearing during the class that if you have gestational diabetes, you have a 50% change of getting it 5-10 years after having your baby. My daughter will be 5 in 6 months. I always knew my changes of getting it were higher, but not 5-10 years! Boy is that a wake up call.

I hate having to do this diet and draw my blood for the next 9 weeks. I can't even imagine doing it for the rest of my life. I will not. I will lose the weight after the baby comes to lower my risk even more.

I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself right now. Today was day #1 and I failed miserably. I have only taken my blood once and I skipped lunch altogether because that's how the day turned out. I need to get myself on a routine. I know it's doable and I can do it, but it will take me a few days to get into a routine and do it properly.

I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and get over this feeling of being mad that I even have to do this. By tomorrow I will feel better about it all because I have nothing scheduled. I can sit down and really try to figure this out. I would try to explain the diet, but honestly, I don't understand it myself yet. Once I have a handle on it I can explain how it all works.

On a happier note, I have worked out 3 times so far this week. I took the water aerobics class last night at the gym and it totally kicked my butt. Much harder than last time. I loved it. I'm going to start taking that once a week. I worked up a good sweat and more or less kept up with everyone else. There are some things I can't do right now being pregnant, but I could do about 95% of everything.

I guess I should go poke my finger and see how I did with dinner. Wish me luck!

Bummer

2010-08-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

I went to the OB last week and was told that I'd hear by Friday if I had gestational diabetes. Friday came and went and no call. I was so happy all weekend.

Until today.....

I got the call. My levels were high and they are just assuming I have gestational diabetes. I feel like a failure. Although, the Dr did make it seem like I can't really avoid it if I had it the first time. I told him I have been really healthy this pregnancy (or at least healthier than my first pregnancy) and he shook his head and said that's good, but if the levels came back high they wouldn't even do the 3 hour test, they'd just consider me a diabetic.

Looking on the bright side, I get to go to the hospital on Wednesday and sit down with a nutritionist that has worked out a diet plan just for me. I can also ask her about exercise and if I am pushing myself hard enough. Doing this might enable me to actually lose weight this last trimester.

One thing that scares me is that gestational diabetes is usually a precursor to having diabetes later in life. Although I am on the right path right now, if I don't change my life for good, I will be diabetic. That scares the crap out of me. I don't want to have to give myself insulin shots or lose a leg later in life.

Maybe this is my wake up call once and for all. I've had a good run. 40 years of basically eating what I want. I guess now is the time to grow up and require more of myself. At least I've been in a good place lately so I can use this as motivation instead of a set back. I have to look at this as a good thing. When I have the baby, the diabetes will go away. Most people get it and have to work really hard to get rid of it. I am lucky. I've gotten a warning and can use this information to change my life.

2010-08-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't believe in the "Law of Attraction" listen up. For the record, I'm not really a huge fan of "The Secret" although it did introduce me to the Law of Attraction. It's kinda hokey to me that they show this genie that will grant your wishes. It doesn't quite work like that. I view it more alone the lines of "Thoughts are things." You can't just wish for something and it will magically appear out of nowhere. You actually have to DO something in order to attract it or bring it into your life.

At the end of last year I was feeling kind of low. I felt like my life wasn't going anywhere and I needed a change. The Church I attend was having a "burning bowl ceremony" and I decided I was going to go. I felt like leaving lots of things behind in 2009 and felt this might help me mentally get started in this process. I don't go to Church often enough. I wish I went more, but I'm lazy when it comes to giving up my sleep on Sunday mornings. However, I have visited this Church over the past few years when I go and have always loved it. They are more liberal than most Churches and accept just about everyone. They also believe that God loves you no matter what and for the record, I do not believe in Hell. So, on New Year's Eve I went to the burning bowl ceremony and I left there feeling great. I felt lighter somehow and optimistic about life and what 2010 had to offer. I will never forget as I was walking out of the Church this old black lady grabs me, hugs me and says "God loves you." Wow, that was strange but so powerful at the same time. One day I will hug some random person and tell then that God loves them. Hopefully they won't call the police.

On Friday my daughter and I walked up to the mailbox to get the mail. I got a letter! A hand written letter. When was the last time you received a hand written letter? I was pretty excited. I got home, opened it up and the letter was from me! During that ceremony we each wrote a letter to God saying what we were thankful for in the coming year. Kind of "attracting" what we wanted by putting it in writing.

(I should probably explain a little more about the ceremony. We each had a small piece of paper and we wrote what we wanted to get rid of in our lives. I put negativity, judging other, etc. Things I do that I didn't want to do anymore. On the top of my list I wrote Infertility. I was tired of thinking about getting pregnant- or I should say not being able to get pregnant. Whatever happened, I wanted the issue to either leave my head- as in give up trying- or go away. Then we all walked up to the front of the Church and threw the paper into the fire.)

What did my letter say you ask? The very first line said "Thank you for allowing me to get pregnant with a healthy baby." I wasn't pregnant on New Year's eve. I got pregnant weeks later in January. Boy did that really jump out at me. I "burned" my issues with infertility and "gave it to God" as some would say and look what happened.

I also write "Thank you for helping me break my addiction to food and letting 2010 be my healthiest year yet." That is true at this time. It might be because of the pregnancy, but I am healthier now than I was last year.

I guess I should say that I also wrote about resolving some family issues which unfortunately did not happen. I guess I haven't really taken action to help those situations resolves themselves, but I guess that gives me something to write about this New Year's eve doesn't it? But, the year isn't over yet. I still have months to work on this one.

My challenge to you is to do your own burning bowl ceremony. Write down what you want to get rid of in your life. Burn the paper and then write down all the things you want to attract into your life. Put the piece of paper away and don't look at it for a while and see what happens. Notice I didn't say write it down and forget about it. You don't want to do that. Write it down and periodically think about it and see what you attract. Also, be thankful for the things that are in your life. If you are always thinking negatively you will attract negativity. If you are thankful for the good things in your life, you will attract more good things. Go ahead, just try it....

2010-08-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

My "company" is gone for the time being. They return on Monday for the day and then leave for good on Tuesday. To say this has been a stressful week would be an understatement. However, I have proven to myself that I can have company and not indulge in all the junk I provide for them. My niece is 13 and has a sweet tooth so I usually take the opportunity to have things in the house I don't normally have because there are only 3 of us. When they visit there are 5 of us so I can't eat 3 cinnamon rolls like I would if I were alone.

Although this week has been stressful, I have not turned to food to make me feel better. I have left the house. I went to the store last night and drove around to cool off because I was about to lose it. You'd think having a 13 year old around would be helpful with my 4 year old, but it turns out the 13 year old just thinks it's the funniest thing on earth to tease my 4 year old. Of course, a 4 year old will only take so much of this before she turns mean and gets really pissed off. I spent my week playing referee which was not fun at all. I have shopped, yelled, worked out and hidden in my room but I have not eaten the frustration away.

I have learned from Geneen's book that eating your feelings away will not rid you of those feelings. All it does it keep them at bay for a while. You can either continue eating to avoid feeling them or just feel them and get them over with. I have chosen the second option. I hated being mad and bitchy, but I'd rather do that then eat 1000 calories to try to make myself feel better. I guess it's all in figuring out what you'd rather feel. This week I chose to feel guilty for being a bitch than to hate myself for gaining weight.

Right now I feel proud of myself for not gaining any weight this week. I also feel proud of myself to making time to work out. I went to the gym twice and worked out at home once. All the things I've wished that I had done in the past when I had company I was able to do this time. I feel GREAT about that. It also helped reduce my stress. Working out does that for me. There are times I hate to do it, but I feel so good when it's done.

I've also decided I'm going to start dealing with "the voice." You know the one. That voice in your head that tells you you are stupid, or ugly or fat. I hear the Voice the most when I am standing in front of the mirror. It says "Look at that double chin" or "My God you look like crap today, How can you leave the house like that?" I have decided when I hear the Voice I'm going to say "FUCK YOU" out loud. I'm going to show the Voice it has no power over me and I don't believe it anymore. Why have I given the Voice any power in the past? Why do I believe it? I refuse to anymore. I'm going to start standing up for myself and start realizing how great my body actually is. My body has given me a beautiful baby girl and another one on the way. My body is perfect in my daughters eyes. I'm going to start seeing it that way myself. If any person came up to me and said the things I allow the Voice to say I would tell them to Fuck off. I'm going to start doing the same thing to the Voice. It's time to shut it up for good.

2010-08-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

I got back last night from my mini vacation. It was SO NICE to get away with just the hubby for a short trip. I did not eat well. As a matter of fact, we went to a restaurant yesterday and I got DEEP FRIED OREOS! Yes, you read that right. But, in my defense I did share them with my husband. There were 4 Oreos and a scoop of ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce and caramel. To say it was wonderful is an understatement. More than 2 would have been too much. I actually told my husband we should consider buying a deep fryer just to try to recreate them. I won't do it, don't worry. That's just the pregnancy hormones talking.

My out of town company has been here for 5 days now. Yes, it has been stressful. I have not buried myself in food though. I am really trying to be good. One day I told them I was going to the gym and I did. Today I went down into my basement and walked on my treadmill. I am carving out time for me as much as I can. I'm really proud of myself for doing this. My house is full of "bad" foods. I am not eating them.

I don't know if it is the fact that I am going to see my OB on Wednesday and don't want him to bring up the fact that I am gaining too much weight or if what I've learned in Geneen's book has really soaked into my brain. I'd like to think is the later. If this has finally sunk in I might actually win this battle with my weight. I am still thinking about what I put into my mouth before I put it in. I am at times deciding the calories are worth it (the deep fried Oreos) and at other times I have decided it's not.

I don't think I wrote about this before so I'll write about it now quickly. I got a new iPhone about a month ago. I've downloaded several programs to help me track my calorie intake and have found them extremely useful. One night my husband and I were going out to dinner and decided to go to Olive Garden. I started looking up the calories in my favorite dishes. Holy shit! There is no other way to say it. ALL of the dishes I like were over 1000 calories. Most had over 40 grams of fat in them. We decided to go somewhere else for dinner.

I have always been a kind of stick my head in the sand person. I don't want to know the calorie content of my favorite foods. Those days are over. If I'm going to consume 500 calories on something, I need to make myself aware of it before I do it. Sticking my head in the sand all these years has gotten me in the mess I'm in now. It's time to take my weight loss efforts seriously. I feel like I'm finally in the right frame of mind. Of course I'm 7 months pregnant which makes it difficult to lose weight, if not impossible. I just need to keep going with my thinking so after the baby comes, I can continue to maintain the healthy habits that I'm starting now. If I maintain my exercise program I'm on now, there will be no stopping me! I will be at my goal weight by next Spring. Just wait and see.

2010-07-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

I really want another chocolate cupcake right now. Am I hungry? No. Maybe bored? I'm trying to figure out "why" I want the cupcake. I'm actually pretty full. I just ate a late dinner. I had caesar salad with a grilled chicken breast. I had one cupcake with about one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I'm not kicking myself about having one because I do not deny myself one dessert each night.

Why do I want another cupcake so desperately? I'm really trying to figure this out but I'm coming up blank. I read more of Geneen's book today. It's all making sense to me. I know that food will not cure my problems in life. I know food will not cure my past issues. I know that food won't even really make me feel better in the long run.

If I had another cupcake right now I'd probably feel sick to my stomach because I am so full. I don't want to feel like that. When I feel like that, that's when I start feeling disgusted with myself. But, it's also the feeling I crave. Why? Does it give me comfort knowing that my stomach is overfilled? It shouldn't. But yet it does. I just cannot for the life of me figure out why. Why does feeling so physically sick appeal to me? It has to appeal to me or I wouldn't (time and time again) eat so much I am overstuffed. What is my payoff? (as Dr Phil would say.)

I wish it were easy and I could say "I do this because..." Some days it is easy. Some days I can identify why I want to eat badly. Tonight is not one of those nights.

However......

I have stopped myself. I didn't eat the cupcake. I've been thinking about it for about a half an hour now and didn't just impulsively stuff one into my mouth. I've stopped my behavior, thought about it and now I am modifying it so I don't eat the cupcake. I guess if this is all I can do for the time being, it's enough. I still have more work to do, but stopping my habit, or instinct or desire is a big step in the right direction.

2010-07-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

This past week has been a really good week. I forget how good I feel when I work out on a semi daily basis. I've gotten in 4 work outs and have lost a pound. It was a pound and a half but I ate out 2 times over the weekend and I've gained back a half a pound. Totally worth it.

I've started reading the book "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I bought it a couple of months ago and it's been sitting on a shelf since then. Geneen was recently on Oprah again and I promised myself I would actually read the book. So far it's pretty good. There have been a few instances while reading it and I've thought "Oh my God, that's me!"

I have been thinking about how I use food as more than just energy for my body. I went to book club last week and there was a new person there. I am extremely nervous around people I don't know and especially hate talking around them. After I got home I started to dwell on all the things I said and thought "I can't believe I said that. I am so stupid" and started feeling bad about myself. What did I do? I reached for chocolate. After about 3 mini Hershey bars I stopped myself and asked "Why am I eating this?" I told myself that I was eating it because I was feeling embarrassed and stupid about some of the things I had said. Then I asked myself if I was really hungry, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if eating chocolate would make me feel less embarrassed and the answer again was no. So, I stopped eating. I just walked away.

I felt so good about this afterwards. I'm really starting to link my mindless eating to other things. Maybe it really isn't about food. Maybe it's about something else and other feelings.

(pg 53) Geneen writes: "Sometimes people will say "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it just be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pat attention to it. When you like something- love something- you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love: that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it."

That page really got to me. So true. I know there are reasons I've over eaten. I know there are things in my past that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I numb myself with food. But, that was then. I am starting to work on getting into the "now." Another quick quote from the book "Staying means recognizing that when you want to bolt, you are living in the past. You are taking yourself to be someone who no longer exists. Staying requires being curious about who you actually are when you don't take yourself to be a collection of memories. When you don't infer your existence from replaying what happened to you, when you don't take yourself to be the girl your mother/father/brother/teacher/lover didn't see or adore. When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you?"

I don't know if I've ever asked myself "Who am I now?" I've always seen myself as a girl with no parents. As a girl who was abandoned by her father. As a girl who would date anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention to prove that she is worthy of love. But, "who" am I now? I'm not that person anymore. Why can't I see that? Why can't I move beyond all those labels I have placed on myself and see myself for who I am now?

This is what I'm working on. If this is the only thing I get from this book, it was worth the $10. At the very least I am starting to ask myself if I am really hungry when I reach for food. If not, I'm trying to figure out what other feeling I am pushing aside so I don't eat whatever it is I want to eat. I guess it really isn't about the food after all.

Can I just say....

2010-07-13T07:51:00.001-07:00

I LOVE my pregnancy boobs. Honestly, it's the best part of being pregnant. They are getting fuller because they are getting ready to produce milk which means they aren't saggy and awful anymore. It's refreshing to me to actually like a body part that I've never particularly cared for. I'm so used to disliking most of my body parts so it feels good to actually like something for a change. I wish I could apply that to my expanding belly.

Yesterday was a fantastic day for me! I had a GREAT work out and a very healthy day of eating. When I was working out, for a split second, I felt like I felt before I was pregnant. Like I could do anything. I think I've broken through my cautiousness about working out while pregnant. I worked up a really good sweat and felt great when I was done.

As of yesterday I have managed to maintain my weight this past week. As of this morning, I have actually lost a half a pound. I am eating just as much food (so don't worry that I am starving my baby) I'm just making healthier choices. I have also banned sugar from my diet until after dinner. I might have ONE piece of fruit with lunch (an apple with my sandwich yesterday) but that is better than a handful of chips.

I think at this point my OB has motivated me. I was pretty humiliated when he told me at my last appointment that I had gained 7 pounds in the past month and needed to really watch it. I knew it was bad. I weighed myself before I left. I was still pretty humiliated that someone had to verbally tell me that. Instead of being angry at him, I have turned it into motivation to NOT gain 7 pounds this month. I did not go home and eat a bag of M&M's to make myself feel better. I started planning how I could avoid gaining weight.

Which bring me to another subject. Have you read the blog "Banks Lee and the 3 clicks?" I started reading it after Yahoo did a story on him. Apparently he went to the new Harry Potter park and could not fit into a seat for a new ride. Instead of getting mad, he has gone on a diet and has a goal to ride the ride by the end of the year. I think it's great that instead of getting mad at Universal, he's used this as motivation to lose weight and is trying to inspire others along the way. It's a good lesson to not blame others for our own actions. We put ourselves in the position we are in. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to eat "junk" food. I did that all by myself and now I have to get myself out of this mess. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do it.....

2010-07-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder why the majority of my favorite bloggers are all taking time off from blogging right now. Is it because it's harder to lose weight during the Summer and they don't want to admit they aren't doing well? Is it because they are so busy and active that they don't have time to blog? I miss them. I draw inspiration from them. It's funny how I think I really "know" these people when I have never met them. I wonder what they are doing and how they are doing. Pretty random thought I know, but I've just been wondering what's been going on.

So, my trip was not the great success that I'd hoped it would be. However, I did realize that I have an addiction to sugar. It's gotten worse. I went to my BFF's house in PA and we ate a lot of junk. The "junk" that we ate was mostly desserts. As far as the meals go, they weren't totally bad. I managed to balance my foods pretty well it was the sugar that took me overboard. I've read before that eating sugar (and sugar substitutes) just makes you crave more sugar. I never sat down to think about it much, but this past week has made me take a look at what I've been doing.

In about 3 1/2 weeks I will get tested for gestational diabetes. I would like to pass the test, but there is a small part of me that wants to fail so I am forced to control myself. I listen to this podcast and the guy always says the doctor is the "motivator of last resort" and it's so true. If a doctor tells me that I have to control my sugar intake or give myself shots, I'll bet I will start controlling myself. How sad is that? I am a grown woman. I am capable of controlling myself now. Why don't I?

This week I will. My goal for the week is to only have one dessert at night after dinner if I want it. I've been snacking on sugary stuff all day long for weeks now. It's pretty mindless when I grab a cookie and eat it. I think I also have to (sigh.....) start writing down everything I eat. I have success when I do that and I have no idea why I just can't force myself to do it. I was doing pretty well on WW when I did it. Isn't that enough for me to do it again?

I will give myself credit for not giving up. I am constantly thinking about ways to get back on track and I am still working out. I got home on Tuesday and worked out twice at the gym this week. I think there are some women who might just give up until after they give birth. I refuse to do that. I will keep fighting to stay healthy until this baby is born and then get back to my regular "diet" after that. I refuse to give up. I just have to find what works for me now and do it consistently.

And for anyone who might be reading this that is also a blogger, I miss you. Please come back!

2010-06-27T14:20:00.001-07:00

I've been doing pretty well. I have my OB appointment in a week and a half and I've only gained 2 pounds this month. Lately I've just been eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. Hmmm, why can't I do that all the time?

The one thing I've been reading lately is to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I haven't been doing that. I've been eating one really big meal for lunch and a light snack for dinner. It seems to be working for me. I know in other countries they have their main meal at lunch and supposedly it's supposed to be healthier. I can tell you that so far, for me it's true.

This is going to be a tough week for me. I'm leaving town on Wednesday to go to PA to visit my BFF. The one thing we have consistently had in common is that we struggle with our weight and eat whatever we want when we are together. I don't know how we got into this "rut" but it has defined our relationship. I love her, she's like a sister to me. She has always supported me in my weight loss efforts and I've supported her. But, when we get together we seem to have a "f*ck it" attitude and try our best to pig out. I have no idea why we do this.

If I can't control what I eat I will try to control how much of it I eat. Luckily I can't eat as much in one sitting because the baby is getting so big. I'm really going to try to not pig out the whole time I am gone. I'm going to be more conscious of what I put in my mouth.

One of the "joys" of pregnancy I forgot about is leg cramps. For those of you who have never had them, I hope you never do. About 6 am on Friday morning I was woken up by a leg cramp. The most intense pain I think I have ever felt, and I've had a baby. It usually only lasts for maybe 45 seconds (I am lucky in that they don't last longer) but it is 45 seconds of pure hell. My leg has been sore since then. It has slowly but surely gotten better. It feels about 90% better today. It felt good enough to go to the gym and walk, but if I keep getting these periodically, it's going to seriously impact my work out routine.

Have a safe and healthy July 4th weekend and don't eat too much!!!

2010-06-16T15:51:00.001-07:00

It is nice to report that I've been happy with my progress lately. My daughter had THREE birthday parties to attend over the past weekend. She's at the age where I still have to stay with her for these parties. I ate about 4-5 cupcakes/pieces of cake over the course of the weekend. However, I have managed to work out. Because of that, I have only gained a half a pound over this past week. I've ramped up my work out and it's paying off.

I will be happy as long as I can maintain a slow weight gain or if I'm really lucky, no weight gain at all. I've only got 18 more weeks to go until the baby is due. I can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday that I was nauseas and finding out that I am pregnant. Time flies!

I've also been trying to work on my negative self talk. I see and hear other people doing it all the time. Especially when I am giving them a compliment. 100% of the time they say "No, that's not true" or "I sure don't feel that way" etc. WHY is it so hard for people to just say "Thank you. I feel great too" or something along those lines. I saw a friend today that has been dieting for a long time and she looked great. I told her so and she immediately said "Yeah well, I haven't been losing anymore weight" I'm going to work on saying "Thank you" when people give me a compliment. I'm going to try to believe it when people say nice things to me. Instead of going immediately to the negative, I'm going to try to go to the positive.

I'm also going to work on giving myself compliments. I am always telling myself how bad I look or how I don't do enough in pretty much every area of my life. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. Yeah, my house is not always spotless, but part of being a good mom is telling myself that the dishes or vacuuming can wait while I play with my daughter instead of clean.

Even though the week is half over, my goal is to give myself at least 3 compliments a day and appreciate myself a little bit more. Maybe if I start liking myself more I will want to take care of myself and dieting and exercising will come easier to me.

2010-06-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

I worked out 3 times this week. That was my goal and I did it. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I could have done more. My stomach really hurt for a few days there after I had the food poisoning, so I did what I could do and I'm proud of that.

Last night we ordered Chinese food and I came to a realization today when I woke up feeling like crap. I am so focused on eating foods that are lower in points or low in fat, that I'm not concentrating enough on eating healthy foods. I need to start eating cleaner foods. I need to start eating whole grains and fruits and veggies. If I concentrated more on eating healthy foods, the weight loss will follow.

I've been able to keep my portion sizes to a smaller size and I know the other basics of losing weight. This should be a no brainer for me. However, after all these years of dieting, there are lots of "shoulds" in my past. I should be at my goal by now. I should not have such a problem losing the weight. I've got the knowledge of how to do it for the most part. Now I just have to figure out why I'm not implementing that knowledge.

I was reading a book about autism and babies written by Jenny McCarthy. Without going into too much detail, it was kind of depressing and overwhelming. According to her I have already screwed up my unborn baby. I've eaten the wrong things, used the wrong products, even purchased the wrong furniture for my house! It scared me. It is very overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I think step #1 should be to clean up my diet. Less processed foods and more whole foods.

Maybe if I do this I will feel less sick all the time. It's not a nauseous feeling, it's feeling like a car that's running on crappy fuel. I'm not eating for nutrition anymore. I'm eating because of boredom, laziness and cravings. This has got to stop.

I guess the first place to go tomorrow is either Trader Joes or Whole Foods. We are lucky enough to have both within about a half an hour from my house.

My goals for this coming week are to work out at least 3 times and to clean up my diet so I'm eating more nutritious foods. Not lower in fat or calories, but higher in nutrition. Wish me luck!

2010-06-01T08:37:00.001-07:00

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight over this past Holiday weekend. The bad news is that I got a mild case of food poisoning and didn't eat much at all yesterday. I have a feeling that is what helped me not to gain weight.

Food poisoning is not fun to have when you are not pregnant, but when you are pregnant it can be a little scary. You get waves of pain in your stomach that feel like contractions. But, your stomach doesn't tighten up with food poisoning, it just hurts. I kept getting these waves of pain and half way through the day I started wondering if I was going into labor. Not a rational thought, but it was there freaking me out. I feel better today but still not 100%.

And, because it was pretty mild I was able to go to the gym yesterday. Not a great workout, but I moved my body for 45 minutes, 15 on the bike and 30 on the treadmill. I felt proud of myself although I know I didn't get my heart rate up very much.

My goal for June is to work out at least 3 times a week and to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD at least once a week. More if I like it. I just haven't taken the time to actually try it yet.

This week is my 20th week so I'm officially half way through this pregnancy. It seems like just yesterday I was freaking out because I found out I was pregnant. At least now I'm freaking out about what to do with 2 kids and not about how much weight I'll gain. I'm kind of over that feeling now. There are days when I'm so good and have done everything and the scale still goes up. It's going to do that. I'm growing a baby. There is some relief in knowing that it's out of my hands somewhat. I'm not saying I can eat ice cream all day long and just shrug and say there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just saying that even doing my absolute best with eating and exercise will not help me to lose weight because for once in my life, that is not the goal. It feels good to obsess about other things for now and not my weight.

Life got in the way

2010-05-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to come out here and say I've been doing a stellar job and tracking everything that goes into my mouth and doing fantastic. However, that unfortunately is not the case. "Life" has been getting in the way. I have had an extremely busy week and have not had any time to do the things I should be doing for "me."

Welcome to Motherhood.

My daughter had her last day of school and an end of the year picnic. We had a few play dates scheduled. Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. I could have gotten up early to work out. I didn't. I could have made healthier choices, I didn't.

I think the only thing saving me from completely hating myself is the fact that I've been having fun. I'm not sitting around worrying about what I'm not doing. I'm trying to stay "in the moment" with what I'm doing these days. I'm trying to enjoy what I'm actually doing and not thinking about what I'm not doing. I know this will be a fleeting feeling, but I'm taking advantage of it while it's here.

I am also not gaining any weight. I will say it again, it feels so freakin' good to not count every damn calorie. To say "To hell with it" and enjoy myself (in moderation) I know that once this baby comes I will feel like I have to watch it all again so that means I've got 20 more weeks to ride this feeling out and try to enjoy life a little bit more.

I have managed a few work outs this week and I plan on continuing to go to the gym. I still have the problem of having to go to the bathroom every half an hour. That really disrupts a good work out! I had the idea the other day that next week I'm going to try to get up a little earlier and get 30 mins of exercise in here at home. Then, later in the day I will take my daughter to the gym and work out another 30 mins. That will total an hour a day which is fine for me.

I have been telling myself that I also need to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD. I don't want to put it off any longer. I need to get more flexible before I have this baby. It makes it much easier to push a baby out when you can basically wrap your feet around your head and push.

So, once again I have loosey goosey plans. Today it is not bothering me that I am not doing better. Tomorrow it might, but for today I am going to visit with an old friend while my daughter has a play date and not worry that I am not going to the gym.

2010-05-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a very quick and short post. I just wanted to report that I found out today I'm having a GIRL!! YIPEEEE!!!!! I'll write more later in the week!

2010-05-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

This week I am going to stick to my goals. I feel so unbelievably good physically that I cannot let another week of being "so so" go by. My typical week starts like this:

Monday is the best day. I stick to my goals, work out and do great.

Tuesday- I am so proud of myself for being good on Monday that I slip just a little. A candy bar or a missed work out.

Wednesday I tell myself that I blew it on Tuesday so why even bother trying to be good?

Thursday- Well, it's almost the weekend and who diets on the weekend?

The rest of the week is just shit. That is the only way to describe it.

What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for this huge wave of motivation that will tide me over so I can have a full "good" week. When am I going to start requiring more of myself and actually be honest with myself? I keep telling myself that " (fill in the blank) and I'll be good" Maybe on Monday, or a certain date on the calendar or whatever I choose it to be. Why can't I just start NOW?

I've been feeling good for weeks now (meaning the nausea is gone) and I'm still eating crap. I had pizza for lunch. I wasn't even craving it. It was easy and fast. I am just feeling defeated today as far as my dieting goes.

This is my plan: I'm going to sit down right now and figure out what I'm going to eat this week. I'm going to figure out my schedule so I know which days I can work out. I'm going to stick to my plan. If it's all figured out and written down that will take the emotion out of it for me. I will know what days I'm eating which foods and that's that. I really need a "good" week. I really need it to boost my self esteem. Wish me luck.

2010-05-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

I took a mini vacation last weekend and blew it. I gained THREE pounds over the weekend! I didn't think it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short time, but dammit! It is! Oh well. I've been doing fairly well since then so I have high hopes that maybe I won't gain much more this month.

I've water walked a few times since last week. I just don't feel like it's a great cardio work out. I enjoy it and can do it for much longer than any cardio machine, but what's the point if I'm not getting my heart rate up? I guess it is better than nothing. I took today off because I have a pain in my left side. I'm pretty sure it's ligaments stretching, but just to be safe I took it easy today.

I read a great quote today and wanted to post it here:

"Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that place in your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Wow, if I could only do that I probably wouldn't have a weight problem. I have been doing pretty well with not dwelling on all the things I'm not/can't do right now, but I do still dwell on things that happened years ago. Family issues, stupid mistakes I've made etc. I wish I could just move on and get over it, but when I'm laying there in bed not able to sleep all those thoughts creep into my head and I get all worked up.

I think I will need therapy to get over some of these issues. My dad left us when I was 5 and my mom died when I was 13, so my childhood was pretty messed up. I still have some anger issues surrounding all of these events. One day I think I'm over them and the next day I'm angry again. I'm angry that my daughter doesn't have grandparents. I'm angry that I didn't have much of a childhood. I'm angry about lots of things and I wonder if a big reason I eat is because food makes me feel better. I need to figure out how to get over this anger and stop eating to avoid it. I need to get it out of my system once and for all so I can continue with my life.

Boy, I did not think this post was going to go there. LOL. I guess you just never know what's going to come out once you start typing.

OH, one big thing I want to report is my doctor called yesterday and said that the "normal" chances for a woman my age of having a baby with Downs Syndrome is 1 in 45. After the genetic testing i had my chances have gone down to 1 in 8100! I am SO RELIEVED. I was really worried about that. Next Tuesday I find out if I'm having a boy or girl.

This is one of those days where I feel like I could go on and on but I won't. I'll save my thoughts for another day. I wanted to talk about The Biggest Loser, but I'm still trying to put my thoughts together about that.

2010-05-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that the water walking was a success! My friend was 10 mins late so I ended up walking for an hour and 10 mins in the water. I'm not sore today so I wonder how good of a work out it was. I was moving for that period of time so it can't be bad, but it didn't really feel like a work out. My back was not sore at all last night or today so I know it's the work out for me! I just wish my heart rate monitor worked in the water so I could tell how much of a cardio work out I'm really getting.

At one point we both grabbed a kick board and tried it. It was a joke! Both of us were hanging onto our boards, kicking away and not moving at all! I have no idea what we were doing wrong! Every time we tried to actually go anywhere it didn't work. I still haven't figured that one out! It was fun though. I would also like to find some kind of music player that is water proof. I can see how it can get boring walking back and forth for an hour. I had a friend to talk to yesterday, but that won't always be the case.

I am going to try the actual water aerobics class soon. I will most likely wait until my daughter is out of school for the Summer because the class doesn't start until 7 pm. I don't like to keep her out late on school nights so we'll just wait 2 weeks and then I'll try it.

I've also realized that I will need a maternity bathing suit. I had an old suit that is size 22/24 and the top is huge but the bottom where my baby belly goes is tight. I can maybe get away with it for another week or two, but that's about it. I guess it's a good investment if I'm going to continue working out in the water.

I saw my OB today. I gained 6 lbs this month. He wasn't worried because I only gained a pound at my last visit. It worried me a little, but I'm refusing to dwell on it. I had a great vacation and ate a lot. That will not happen on a monthly basis so next month should be better as far as weight gain goes. I find out on the 25th of this month the sex of the baby. I am SO EXCITED! The best part is my 4 year old will get to go with us so she will be part of the experience. Life is good!!!

2010-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

No more pity party here! I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done being mean to myself because I'm not doing what I think is "enough."

I'm ready to just relax and enjoy this pregnancy. It will be my last one. I'm not going to worry about what "might happen" if I gain too much weight. Hell, I'm not even going to weigh myself anymore. I haven't in about 3 or 4 days and I have no intention of starting today.

I'm NOT saying I'm giving up working out or trying to eat right. I'm not relaxing that much. I'm just going to stop worrying about it. It's not doing me one damn bit of good to sit here, beating myself up telling myself how badly I'm doing and how much I'm letting myself down each day. I'm soooo tired of thinking about food, weight, fat, etc.

I'm trying a new approach. I'm going to eat when I'm hungry and work out when I feel up to it. I walked 35 mins on the treadmill yesterday and had to stop because I had to pee. That was what I was able to do yesterday. Today I am meeting my friend at the gym and we are (finally!) going to walk in the water. I'm hoping to do that for at least 45 mins.

I see my OB tomorrow so I'm going to ask him about the pain I get after working out. If he recommends a chiropractor, I will try it to see what happens. I've heard that if you see a chiropractor during pregnancy, it can help with labor and delivery and make it easier. We'll see.

On a totally unrelated topic, tomorrow I will get a slip to schedule an ultrasound so I can find it out if it's a boy or a girl. I'm sure the "experts" are looking for other things as well, but my main goal is to find out what the sex of the baby is. Then the shopping begins! I'm SO EXCITED to find out! I really hope the baby cooperates and we can tell. I would be so disappointed if they couldn't see because the baby was in the wrong position. I'll keep you posted!

2010-05-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

I know this is going to sound like I'm complaining again, but here I go. I've been working out at the gym. I've been doing about 30-45 of cardio on most days, mainly the treadmill. About 2 work outs ago I started getting a sharp pain down my butt and into my left leg. I recognized it as the sciatica pain I had the last time I was pregnant.

Sciatica is a very painful, sharp pain that is caused basically by the weight in the front of your body curving your spine forward. I have noticed my belly sticking out more because the baby is growing. The cure? Well, actually nothing. Maybe seeing a chiropractor could help. Maybe not. I am going to ask my OB about it next week, but here's my question. What kind of cardio can I do that won't affect my sciatic nerve?

The treadmill is what seems to make it flare up. I am fine until I go to the gym and I'm in pain the rest of the day. I have eliminated any incline when I walk to see if that helps as well as play around with the speed. One thing an article I read said to try is water exercises. I was thinking about water walking. Has anyone ever done that? My gym has a pool that about 4 ft deep and I do see people walking back and forth in it. I just wonder if that will be a good form of cardio. I guess the only way to really find out is just to do it.

I'm a litte nervous going to the pool. It's kind of like going to the weight area for the first time. Intimidating and scary. Like people might laugh at me because I am walking while everyone else is swimming. You may be asking yourself "Why doesn't she just swim?" Well, for the simple fact that I am basically blind without my glasses. After running into a wall a few times because I couldn't see it, I gave up on swimming. Another reason I feel funny about going into the pool- I have to wear my glasses.

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I finally get over the nausea and get all hyped up to start working out again and now this. So many people are telling me not to worry, I'm pregnant, take it easy etc. I know I'm pregnant. I feel like I need to control myself. I don't want to be able to run 5 miles or limit my calories severely. I just want to gain a reasonable amount of weight while being pregnant.

It would be so easy to give it all up for the next six months. Just sit on the couch and eat. But, where will that leave me when the baby comes? Probably 50 pounds heavier and miserable. I "gave up" on myself for so many years. That is how I got to 250 lbs. I don't want to give up. I want to find what works for me and do it. But, doing that will requires some failures and finding what doesn't work.

New week, new plan

2010-05-02T18:05:00.001-07:00

I checked out sparkpeople.com and found out that I can really use the website to help track my calorie intake each day. It's a really good set up and if I can get into the habit of getting on my computer several times a day to track things, I think I'll be able to follow the plan. They also give you sample menus for the week. Just for kicks I looked at what my grocery list would be for a week and boy was it long! It's much more food than I would normally buy.

I feel I do better when I eat the same things for several meals. For instance, each day I will eat 2 hard boiled egg whites, a banana and some carb for breakfast. As long as I don't do this for too long I tend to do well following a diet.

My goals for this week are to write down (enter into the computer) all my food and drink intake and to work out at least 3 times this week. I have a pretty boring week ahead so I don't think any of this will be a problem. I will also make sure I get all my water in the for the week. I've gotten sloppy and know that I'm not drinking enough.

I really don't want to gain any more weight this month before my next OB appointment. If I can keep on track, that shouldn't be a problem. I gained enough last week when I was in Disney.

I did not get to use that elliptical type machine last week like I planned to. I was kind of mad because they changed all the channels in front of all the cardio machines at the gym. They do not have Oprah on at 4:00 any longer. I really liked watching her show on Monday, Wed and Fridays when I went a little later because my daughter was in school. It really made my work outs go faster and would keep me on the machine for a whole hour. I got into a routine and they had to mess with it! Oh well, I'll survive!

Back to the gym

2010-04-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first work out in I don't know how long. I was shocked at how much cardio endurance I have lost. I am not beating myself up, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I feel like I am back at square one. I could only do 10 mins on one of my favorite machines that 2 months ago I was on for 45 mins minimum. It's kind of like an elliptical machine that I just love to do. Yesterday was hard.

I wish I could say I'm at the bottom and will just work my way up. I wish I could feel really positive about going back and working out. I just feel defeated right now. Like I have wasted all that progress I had made. So, I guess I am beating myself up a little. I know how hard it was to build up that muscles and cardio endurance before. I honestly thought I'd be behind a little, but not as much as I so obviously am.

I was going to take the day off today but my daughter really wants to go play at the gym today so I'm going. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. We all want instant results. It just doesn't happen that way. It takes hard, hard work to get to where we want to be.

I don't really have a choice right now. I have to get back in shape. I will have a much harder and longer labor if my cardio endurance isn't what it should be. I still have a lot of time though. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself will not do a damn thing. I'm going to go to the gym today and give it 100%. I'm going to use that machine and try to stay on for 15 minutes. I'm going to push myself more and more each day and before I know it I will be back where I was and feeling great.

Goal reached

2010-04-28T10:20:00.001-07:00

I did it. I "only" gained 3.5 lbs during my vacation! My goal was to gain less than 5 and I did! I'm really happy about that. With all the food I ate 3.5 is a good number. When you have the Disney dining plan, you get dessert with your "counter service" meal and your "sit down" meal which means 2 desserts a day. I do have to hand it to Disney, they are adding more fruits and veggies to their meals. They are also trying to steer kids in a healthy direction with their meals as well. They include veggies and fruits and if you want a cookie or fries, you can substitute that but you have to ask for it. It's much better than it used to be.

Tomorrow I am heading back to the gym. I have a HUGE blister on my foot so I'm going to take today off. I actually did a LOT of walking while I was in Disney. I was sore every morning so the slower walking I did helped with the weight gain as well.

Today is my "getting back on track" day. I just want to get all the dirty clothes washed and everything put away. Tomorrow I am going to try to sit down and work out my 2000 calorie diet. I think for the first week or two I will need to write down everything I will eat until I get it in my brain what 2000 calories a day feels like. I know it's totally doable, I just need to find out what foods are how many calories. I've been counting points for so long and I haven't been keeping track of calories.

I also feel 100% better as far as the nausea goes. That is gone for good and not coming back. I'm feeling optimistic about being healthy from here on out with this pregnancy. I do have a few more trips scheduled, but it's not an all inclusive type thing like it was with Disney. I will have much more control over what I eat and when I eat it.

I have a great time but I'm glad to be back and feeling like I will get back on track 100% in just a day or two. It feels good to be in control and optimistic about my health right now.

2010-04-20T06:56:00.001-07:00

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go!! I'm SO EXCITED!

When I woke up this morning I thought "What's better? Waking up and knowing Santa has come or knowing that in a few hours you will be on a plane to Disney World?" I'm still trying to figure out the answer!

I weighed myself this morning and my official goal for this trip is not to gain 5 lbs like last time. I will be happy with anything under 5. I know I will do a lot of walking although it probably won't be at a fast pace. I'm not even taking work out clothes because I know that won't happen. My only hope to not gain weight is what I eat and I'm going in with a good attitude.

Have a great week and I'll post when I get back!

2010-04-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

I worked out once this week. I could sit here and beat myself up for not doing more, but I'm not gonna do that. One is better than none and I have been extremely busy. I have been eating really healthy so at least I'm not eating badly and not working out. I'm ok with this.

I'm reading one of those touchy feeley books about how diets don't work and we just need to be nice to ourselves. While I do agree with some of it, I don't know if just being nice to myself will help me all that much. But, thinking about it, I do have a lot of negative chatter in my head. Beating myself up and telling myself I'm not good enough and I'm not doing enough certainly doesn't help me. From now on I'm just going to accept what I do and do the best I can.

I had my OB appt yesterday. I am SO HAPPY to report that I only gained ONE pound over this past month. 10 total for my first trimester, but only one in this past month. I asked my doctor about giving me a diet and she did. It's a 2000 calorie diet that is basically low carb. I am going to start it when I get back from Disney. I am not even going to think about it before then. I know I'm not going to follow a diet while I'm gone so I'm just going to have a good time and not go too crazy with my eating. At least I will be walking everyday.

I am a third done with this pregnancy and for the first time I know I will be able to get through this without gaining a ton of weight. I feel so good about that realization. I will eat enough to nourish me and my baby but I won't fall into the whole "Eating for two" myth. The baby is about 3" long by now. There is no way a fetus that small can need as much nourishment as a person. Actually, it's only about an extra 200 calories a day. I can do that. I can do this. OMG, I'm going to be a mom again! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

2010-04-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

The first picture shows the hand up by the face (the white blob just floating there) The second picture is the "alien baby" photo. My daughter looked the same way. Don't know if you can see it on your computer, but you can actually see the brain above the eyes. Incredible! So, do you think it's a boy or a girl? LOL

2010-04-11T17:59:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting on the couch last night, watching tv like I normally do and suddenly it hit me- OMG, I have not felt nausea at all today! Not one little tiny bit. I almost feel "normal!" You don't know how happy this has made me. About a month ago the nausea got much better, but every night I could still feel it. Something was off and I just didn't feel good. NOT ANYMORE! YIPPEEEE!!!!!

Tonight for dinner I made my beloved stir fry. I haven't had that, and actually enjoyed it for such a long time. I'm starting to think about eating much healthier. Eating to fuel my body instead of trying to make myself feel better when feeling so sick.

I've also been extremely tired. I just chalked it up to being pregnant. However, I realized that maybe my sleep apnea has returned. I lost over 30 lbs and didn't have sleep apnea anymore. I was able to stop using my CPAP machine. But, since I've gained almost 10 lbs, maybe I'm having trouble breathing at night again. I've also been waking up with horrible headaches, which again, I've chalked up to being pregnant. Now I am starting to realize that I need to wear the machine again. I've tried the last few nights but I get up at night and take it off. If I could just get a whole night under my belt I could determine if it's the sleep apnea or pregnancy. I'll keep trying until I get a full night with the machine on.

As far as my mojo, I think it's coming back tomorrow. My daughter is going back to school and I'm heading to the gym. I should be able to get 4 days in this week. I just need to move again. I feel so crappy not doing anything. I'm sore and just feel all around bad. Emotionally and physically.

I still have not hooked up my scanner. I have to clear off my desk and figure out how to hook it up. I will do it this week. I am dying to post the pics of the baby. It is just amazing how much you can see even though he or she is only 12 weeks old. It truly is a miracle.

2010-04-08T07:55:00.001-07:00

I've been waiting to post because I need to hook up my scanner to post the picture of my ultrasound I got on Tuesday. I realized that that may not happen this week so I'm going to post anyway.

I got my ultrasound and everything looked fine to me. I was so strange to see the baby moving around inside of me and not feel a thing. The baby is 6 mm from head to rump but has all of it's little body parts. He/she even held it's hand up as if it say "Hi mom" What an awesome experience! It makes me feel more excited now. Up until this point I have just felt sick, but now that I see that little baby I see what I'm doing all this for.

Now for the bad news. I realized last night that I lost my mojo. It's gone and I'm afraid I won't be able to find it again. For so long I was going to the gym and enjoying it. I would work out hard and push my body and really started loving it.

I haven't gone to the gym in over 2 weeks and have zero desire to start. At this point, I have to force myself like I did last time. I have to just go and fake it until I make it. It worked before and it will work again. However, we are going to Disney soon so I don't want to take my daughter to the daycare. I don't want her to get sick for our vacation.

So, not only do I have to force myself to work out, I have to force myself to work out in my basement. Ugh. I guess my best option is to work out while my daughter is in school. That way I can do it with no distractions and interruptions. I just feel like I am looking up this huge mountain, knowing I have to climb up it and no desire to do so. I hate feeling like this. I wish I would have never stopped but felt so bad physically I just couldn't do it. I know I can do this, I just don't want to.

2010-04-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling GREAT this whole week. Almost no nausea and the weather has been beautiful. According to my car, we hit 80 today! Can life get any better?

I have not been to the gym. My daughter has a nasty cough and I know they do not want her in the daycare. She is on antibiotics for a sinus infection. I hope to be back next week. My niece will be staying with me for the whole week so she can babysit while I go to the gym.

This weekend is going to be a struggle as far as my eating goes. I'm making a big Easter dinner. I'm making ham, macaroni and cheese, twice baked potato bake thing, roll and corn. I'm also making this dessert that is TO DIE FOR! It's a Paula Dean recipe so that tells you that it is anything but healthy. My SIL and BIL arrive from VA tomorrow and that is why I'm making so much food. Normally we would go out to eat but with the family being here it just made sense to make a big dinner. I love cooking and like to take these opportunities to go all out.

I hope everyone has a safe and healthy Easter weekend! Don't eat too much and hopefully I will be back next week reporting on my great workouts and how much my diet has improved!

2010-03-28T17:45:00.001-07:00

I'm back.. again. This is day #2 of feeling semi normal. Almost no nausea. I am cautiously optimistic that it is gone. Whew... Could it be? I will be at week #12 next week so it is entirely possible that it is gone for good.

This makes me feel like I am ready to go back to Weight Watchers. Not the meetings because they do not let pregnant women go on the plan, but just following it in general on my own. I will make sure I have an extra glass of FF milk to get those extra calories I need. If I'm hungry, I will eat. I won't be doing anything drastic, but I would like to slow down my weight gain. I'm up another half a pound, making it a 6 pound gain in about 9 weeks? Not horrible, but it could be better.

Yesterday my husband came up to me and patted my stomach and said "Boy, it's really starting to stick out isn't it?" I didn't know whether to hit him or laugh. I laughed. I've been feeling it. My pants are getting tighter and I feel like my stomach looks bloated all the time. Another reason I want to at least feel like I'm trying to be healthy.

I've been concerned lately about eating processed foods. I've been watching Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" and boy has it opened my eyes. My daughter eats terribly and I am the one feeding her. Mostly it is because she never wants to eat so when she does, I give her what she wants. (I'm not talking about candy here, I'm talking about things like chicken nuggets) I'm going to start finding recipes that use fresh, whole foods. That means no more WW frozen meals for me which really kept me on plan before. I'm going to have to realize that this is going to take more time and effort to plan my meals, but so worth it.

I've been reading the book Dr Oz wrote about pregnancy and he says there is more and more research that says what you eat when the baby is inside of you really sets it up for life. Eating pizza and chinese food isn't going to be doing the baby any favors. I need to eat more fresh veggies and fruits. I'm starting this week. I'm feeling good and now is as good as time as any.

2010-03-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while (again) since I've blogged. I realized why yesterday. I'm not obsessing about food anymore. I'm not thinking about every little morsel I put in my mouth. I am not struggling right now. I am eating basically what I want and not doing bad with the weight gain. I know some of it is because I'm pregnant, but I've only gained 5 lbs since I found out 6 weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

It is such a great feeling to not feel bad about food right now. I'm realizing how much time I thought about it and obsessed over it. Let me also say that I am not going hog wild. I am eating smaller meals to keep the acid at bay and I can't eat all the greasy unhealthy stuff I used to eat. But, I'm also treating myself here and there with chocolate and other sugary stuff.

I went to the doctor last week and heard the baby's heart beat for the first time. It was very exciting and made being pregnant "real" somehow. I get my first ultrasound after Easter and I can't wait. I won't be able to find out the sex of the baby yet, but I'll be able to see it which is really cool.

I have had a cold this last week so I haven't been to the gym, but as soon as my daughter is feeling better we will be going back there so I can get into a routine again. My nausea is still around but not as bad as it was. I am hoping it will be completely gone in 2 weeks when I enter my second trimester.

My doctor also ok'd me going to a nutritionist to try to keep my weight down and avoid the gestational diabetes this time. I am really excited about that. I'm just waiting for the approval from my insurance company and once I get that I will make an appointment asap. It will feel good having a structured diet to follow again. I do well when I have that structure that I don't have right now.

2010-03-11T06:04:00.000-08:00

I have a new pet peeve. I have been told 3 times this week, (by people who know I'm pregnant) "Eat! You're supposed to gain weight." and "This is the only time when you can pig out and not feel bad, it's ok." That just makes me so mad. I just want to jump up and say "Are you blind? Can't you see I'm already fat? Don't you know how dangerous it will be to me and my baby if I gain too much weight?" I don't know if they are trying to make me feel better or what.

I think I can understand how a skinny person who diets feels. I think and say so many times to skinny people "Why do you diet? You're already skinny!" I will never say that again. I get it now. They are dieting because they don't want to become fat. They are dieting to maintain their weight. I will never say that to a skinny person ever again. I truly get it.

But, just the fact that comments like that make my skin crawl gives me hope that I am aware of gaining weight and know that I can't do that. Which, by the way, I have. I have finally started to feel better and have returned to my beloved pizza. I have also eaten some other things I shouldn't have eaten. I feel ok though. I am getting myself back on track and feeling a million times better. The nausea is almost completely gone and I realize how fortunate I am because some women have it their whole first trimester or their whole pregnancy.

I was watching a show on TLC and they have a former winner (Eric) from Biggest Loser. He had gained almost all his weight back. I may have written about this before, I can't remember. Anyway, at one point he was talking about how when he won BL he was in the spot light and getting all this attention and then afterwards, nothing. He felt like nobody cared anymore and stopped working out and started eating.

This reminds me of Corey Haim, the actor who died yesterday. He was in the spotlight when he was a teenager when he was in the movies. Once he got older, his star started to fade and he got more heavily involved in drugs. He never regained his career and now he is dead at 38.

What makes these 2 people different? Not much in my opinion. Eric is slowly killing himself with food and Corey did it faster with drugs. I guess my point is that both drugs and foods are addictions. We all know it. But, I don't know that we think about the fact that we are slowly killing ourselves. Yeah, being overweight gives us aches and pains and makes us feel "fat" but what about the internal damage we are doing to our heart and arteries? How often do we think about the unseen damage we are doing to our bodies?

I would like to see more shows on tv about food addiction. Not "weight loss" shows. I want to see shows that deal with the "hows" and "whys" of weight gain and weight loss. I read so many blogs and we all struggle the same way. I'll bet there are lots of people out there who eat for the same reasons I do. I would like to see them talk to a therapist and find out why they started eating and why they continue eating. I'll bet I could find lots of common ground and the help that they get could also help me.

I know about the physical side of losing weight. I know "how to" lose weight. What I can't figure out is why I eat the way I do. I'm pretty sure I know why I started eating this way and medicating myself with food, I just don't know why I continue to do it. Dr Phil always says we start behaviors for one reason and continue them for another. I need to figure out why I am continuing to eat this way so I can stop it. Addiction is addiction. One form is no better than another. Both have very serious physical consequences. At least I am aware of the problem and I'm thinking about ways to deal with it. That's a step in the right direction, isn't it??

2010-03-07T17:36:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted in a while because I just haven't been in the mood. I am pretty crabby each day now and I read in my book that this is normal for this stage in my pregnancy. The hormones and running amok and I just have to deal with it. I guess I should say my husband and daughter have to put up with it. I am really trying to be nice, but it's difficult some days.

The weather has finally gotten warmer and it's making me really happy. I took my daughter, put her in the stroller and walked a mile. I would have gone further but Ella wanted to go home. It was nice to get out and walk outside. It's been so long since I've been able to do that. I am going to start walking while Ella is in school so I can walk at a faster pace and wear my music.

My eating has not been great lately. I am actually feeling a little bit better as far as the nausea goes. Yesterday was not a good day because I finally had pizza. My husband really wanted it so I went along. It was good, but not as good as it used to be. I'm sure once the baby comes I will be addicted again. I am also happy to report that I've been able to control my acid reflux with the foods I'm eating.

So, I'm having ups and downs right now but I'm pretty confident that in about 4 weeks or so I will feel much better. I will be in my second trimester and usually life goes back to pretty much normal until the 3rd trimester. I'm looking forward to getting back on a routine as far as working out and eating goes. I could be doing much worse right now and I could have gained much more weight than I actually have so all in all, life is good.

2010-03-01T17:11:00.000-08:00

The snow is starting to melt and that is making me extremely happy. I can see half of the grass in my back yard and according to my car, it was 40 degrees today. Spring is on the way!

I am happy to report that today was day #2 of working out. I walked on my treadmill yesterday for 45 mins. Today I took my daughter to the gym and did 50 mins of cardio. One reason I like to go after my daughter gets off of school is because I get to the cardio machine at exactly 4 pm. Oprah comes on at 4 and I can watch her show while working out. It makes the time fly when I can watch tv and work out. I went in thinking I'd work out for about 45 mins today and I actually did 50 mins.

I guess I've finally come to the conclusion that even if I feel like crap, I need to force myself to work out. I have about 4 more weeks of this nausea and I can't not work out for that long. The scale has finally caught up to me and I've gained about 3 lbs. There are just days when nothing sounds good to me so anything that will not make me puke is what I end up eating. Tonight was Chinese food. I got the chicken and broccoli with white rice which isn't that bad, actually.

While I still do not have a handle on my diet, if I continue to regularly work out, I cannot do that much damage. My portions are small even if the food I choose is not always healthy. I know I am doing my best. I do not go to bed feeling like a failure. I go to bed knowing I am doing the best I can. I will get through this phase by the end of the month and I will feel 100% better and able to do more with my dieting.

One thing that kinda makes me sad but is really a good thing- I have NO desire whatsoever for pizza. I realized it today. I haven't had it in over a week and do not miss it at all. In fact, the thought of it makes me sick. Pizza was my drug. I could not live without it. It is so interesting to me that I can go without it and not miss it at all. Being pregnant sure does funny things to the body!!!

2010-02-27T07:32:00.001-08:00

Feeling better today. I just got up a little while ago to the news of the earthquake in Chile. When things like this happen, it puts so much into perspective. I get to eat breakfast, clean my house and go to the gym today. Some people no longer have a house. Some people are trapped in collapsed buildings as I'm writing this. WTF am I worried about? I am so blessed and have such a good life.

Which leads me to my next point. I posted a newsletter from Cheryl Richardson the other day but never commented on it. I specifically wanted to comment on this line " Yup, that means being kind to yourself in spite of your stuckness. It means accepting your feelings of hopelessness so you can stop using so much precious energy trying to push these feelings away"

I am not kind to myself. I waste so much energy beating myself up for what I don't get done on a daily basis. It's time to STOP that. It's time to concentrate on what I can do and what I am doing. How good would I feel about myself if I didn't have negative dialog running in my brain almost all day long? How would that change the way I feel about myself?

I've written about this before. I've identified that I do this to myself. Now I am going to actively try to stop the thought patterns. Instead of going to the negative on days when I don't work out, I'm going to remind myself that everyone has days like that. I read so many blogs and EVERYONE that is battling weight gain is going through the same thing. It's a struggle. Maybe if I realize that, I will know that I will have good days and bad days.

I am going to start showing myself the kindness I show to others. I've even thought about posting positive affirmations around the house to remind myself to do this. I think if I get into a routine of doing this, it will start to come naturally. I'm betting I will feel so much better mentally and once that happens, I will want to improve physically. Not because I feel bad and guilted into doing it, but because I want to feel better about myself. I'm starting this today so I'll keep you posted on my progress.

2010-02-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day. I keep saying that to myself every morning, and every day turns out to be the same as the day before.

Each night I go to bed telling myself that I will go to the gym the next day and eat healthy. Then, I get up, feel ok for about 45 mins and then the nausea kicks in. Have you ever worked out while feeling sick to your stomach? I just can't bring myself to do it. I try. I say the right things to myself in my mind. But physically going down my stairs into my basement and getting on the treadmill is impossible lately. Driving to the gym when it's cold and snowy? Forget about it!

As far as food goes, I am eating things that won't make me sicker. Lots of carbs, although they are whole grain carbs. Peanut butter (for the protein and the thought of it doesn't make me ill.) Salads just don't appeal to me right now. I like chicken instead of beef which is good.

I guess I'm trying to say I'm struggling. The last thing I want to do is blog when I'm struggling. I don't want to admit that I'm doing poorly. I don't want to admit that I feel like a failure. That is utterly ridiculous because I'm pregnant. There are things that are happening in my body that I can't control. The nausea is one of them. However, the not working out is not. I can control that. I am choosing not to.

There is about an hour each evening when I feel ok. I don't feel like puking and I could work out. Maybe I need to shoot for that. I will just have to tell hubby that he has to watch Ella while I work out. That might be difficult because he is in a mind set right now that I shouldn't be working out. He thinks I should wait to talk to the doctor before I work out. I would agree if I weren't already working out when I got pregnant. From everything I have read, it is ok to work out while pregnant as long as you don't get your body temperature up too high. He doesn't believe me.

I don't know, I just know that I need to change something. I'm still ok with my weight. I've only put on a pound and my BCI is high. (BCI = body crap index- yeah, we've all had those days) I just need a new routine. I do so much better when I have a routine. I just need to figure out what my new routine will be. I'm hoping after I see the doctor on the 17th that I will have new optimism about what I can and cannot do. My husband is coming with me to the doctor so if the doctor says I can work out (which he will) my husband will feel better about it. That's still over 2 weeks away so I need to figure out what to do in the meantime.

Cheryl Richardson

2010-02-24T13:31:00.000-08:00

I get a weekly newsletter from Cheryl Richardson. This weeks newsletter was really good so I'm going to post it here:

Move Forward

This week, while I'm on vacation, I thought I'd rerun a newsletter about getting unstuck. If you're feeling immobilized in an area of your life - relationships, career, finances, a creative project, or while trying to accomplish an important goal, this info should help. Here's what to do:

First of all, it's important to remember that the thing you need to do most in preparation for getting unstuck is the opposite of what most people do - you need to stop beating yourself up. Yup, that means being kind to yourself in spite of your stuckness. It means accepting your feelings of hopelessness so you can stop using so much precious energy trying to push these feelings away. And it means embracing the total you - the person with good intentions, the one who takes action now and then, and the one who keeps tripping you up. The message is simple: Don't resist your stuckness - it only keeps you stuck :).

Once you embrace your situation, you're ready for three behavior changes:

1. Take back your power. One of the biggest mistakes we make when feeling stuck is telling ourselves that our inability to move forward is due solely to outside circumstances - a lack of money, too many problems, or the influence of other people, for example. All of us will be faced with real-life challenges. That's a fact. But our place of power always lies in the recognition that we have choices. They may be tough choices like selling a home to relieve financial pressure or walking away from an abusive relationship to reclaim our self-esteem, but never mistake tough choices with having no choice at all. You always have choices.

2. Manage your mind. Feeling stuck is first and foremost fueled by our state of mind - the thoughts we think from moment to moment. When we feel unmotivated, it's because we're thinking unmotivated thoughts. When we feel trapped, it's because we consistently tell ourselves that there are no options. When we feel hopeless, there's a good chance that the mantra running through our mind is something like: "Why bother?" So, the key to turning this self-defeating habit around is to take control of your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know. Rather than offer an elaborate process for doing so, try this simple technique. For one whole week, take a tip from my sister Michelle who instills the following message in her kids, and repeat this phrase throughout the day:

I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Regardless of whether or not you believe it or whether it seems rational, do it anyway. Say it to yourself when you first wake up, repeat it in your mind while brushing your teeth, sing it to yourself while driving to work or getting the kids ready for school. Then, keep at it through lunch and dinner, all the way up to when you fall asleep. Just keep telling yourself that you can do anything and notice how your mood and perspective shifts.

3. Keep good company. Every successful person I've ever spent time with has surrounded themselves with highly motivated people. As a matter of fact, just this morning as I watched Queen Latifah on The Actor's Studio talk about how to stay motivated while building an acting career, her first response was just that, "Surround yourself with motivated people who are just as committed as you."
People who feel stuck tend to associate with people who like to commiserate about the unfairness of the world. This is a recipe for disaster - you all stay stuck together. Find people who are up to something big and who feel excited about life and spend your time with them. If you don't have anyone, consider joining or starting a Life Makeover Group. It's free and it's a great way to meet like-minded new friends (you'll find more info here).

Finally, if you're really ready to move forward, get help. Remember that any anxiety you feel about being stuck is simply related toinaction. The first step toward getting unstuck is making a move. Hate your job? Contact a recruiter or job counselor today and find out how to start a job change. Faced with financial pressure? Call your accountant, financial planner, or credit counseling service and ask for help in putting a recovery plan in place. Are you going to fail along the way? Of course. Will you lose motivation now and then? You can bet on it. But the key is to get started. Getting unstuck is only one tiny step away from where you are right this minute. All you need to do is move your feet :)

2010-02-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

This is my daughters sand box. This was fully visible with no snow yesterday:
This is the view to our back yard:

No gym for me today :-( I don't want to drive in this. It's still coming down pretty good too. I guess it's the treadmill in the basement for me today. I won't not work out. Today is the day I get back on track as far as working out goes.

I'm a little sad today. An acquaintance of mine is getting gastric bypass today. I am just so sad for her! I can understand that it is an option for some people. I get that. It's either die or get surgery. But for people who are capable of working out and eating right, why do they feel so desperate that they think surgery is their only option?

This person I know is probably about 375 lbs. She is not stuck in bed, as a matter of fact, she works full time. She was doing a plan called Medical Weight Loss and lost 75 pounds. Then she gave up and gained some back. I just don't get how she can't see that she is capable of losing weight on her own?? I feel sad for her that she would rather have a doctor cut her open and take out the majority of her stomach than walk on a treadmill and eat properly?

If I sound like I'm judging her, I don't mean too. Honestly, I feel sorry for her. I just can't wrap my brain around the thinking that surgery is the only option. I do NOT feel that surgery is taking the easy way out. It is far from easy to get that surgery done. I have not had it, but I've seen many tv shows that talk to people who have had it and it's no picnic, that's for sure.

I just hope she doesn't feel like all her problems will be solved after the surgery. She will still be stuck in a bad marriage. She will still have uncontrollable kids. She will still have all those reasons to medicate herself with food. She will have the ability to gain the weight back if she doesn't change the habits that got her to 375 lbs. I just wish she could have controlled those habits before the surgery and could have realized she didn't need it after all.

2010-02-21T17:04:00.001-08:00

Ok, I finally "get it." I finally get why people blog. I got so many nice messages and information about what I can and cannot eat from the people who read this. I know people read it, but I guess I never thought anyone really cared. I was wrong. A person wouldn't look up information for me and send me links if they didn't care. A person wouldn't comment if they didn't care. I finally get why people blog and the support they get from blogging. I am so happy and thankful that I got into this blog and began writing about my weight loss journey. The focus of losing weight might not be as prominent in the next 9 months or so, but I'll still write about being healthy. Thank you for reading it.

I am excited about a couple of new recipes I'm going to try this week. They are Weight Watchers recipes that I have never tried before. I will definitely follow up and post pics if they are good.

I went to Trader Joe's last night and bought some ginger products. I got some triple ginger snaps and some chocolate covered ginger balls. Ginger is supposed to help with nausea so I'm going to give it a try. You can see chunks of ginger in these cookies. I'm afraid. Ginger can have quite a "bite" to it. I remember last time I was pregnant and didn't even know what ginger was. I went to TJ's and got some candied ginger globs. I took a huge one and just popped it into my mouth! Big mistake! I thought I was going to throw up right there in the parking lot. I didn't eat it again my whole pregnancy. This time I'm going to take it slow and take a nibble.

I've been avoiding the gym. I am not avoiding the gym because of not wanting to work out or being afraid to work out. I'm avoiding the gym because I've heard there is a nasty flu going around my area. I did not get the flu vaccine this year so I'm a little worried about catching it or my daughter catching it. I think I'm planning on going tomorrow. We are supposed to get 4-8" of snow tonight, so if I can get out of my drive way, I will go. I need to get back to some cardio. I need to get moving again. I feel like a couch potato and I don't like feeling like this.