I haven't written in a while and the reason is I'm not doing well. I am at my all time highest weight and I feel like a total failure. I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds and I can't seem to go more then a few days doing good and then it all falls apart. I don't know what's going on with me and I feel like I'm ready to give up.

The problem is I am going on vacation in November and we are going to Disney World which means a ton of walking. Honestly, at this weight I can't see myself doing it. I feel so crappy and my feet swell and hurt and I just don't see myself walking everyday for 5 days at this weight. However, I don't seem to want to do anything about it. I can't keep the motivation I seem to muster up for more then a day or two.

Right now I feel utterly defeated and like I can't do it. I don't know that I've ever felt this hopeless before and I don't know what to do about it.

Now you know why I haven't written, I've got nothing good to say and I don't have anything planned that will help me get out of this funk.

So there you go. That's it and I hope this whole situation passes and I can write in the future that I am doing great and have lost 20 pounds. I guess the only good thing I can say is that I've stopped gaining weight. Since I went back to work in October I've gained over 30 pounds. I just don't get what's going on.

I hope whoever is reading this is doing better then I am.